Solitary Confinement… PLEASE

Well it is the weekend which means a few things for me, I’m drunk, I have cried about my life choices 4 times, and I have watched “Locked Up” on MSNBC for hours.  All I know about prison comes from that first “Scared Straight” movie, “American Me”, and my friends that have been there.  It is good to have friends that have served time, because of them I know that the first time someone messes with you, you have to beat the ever-loving shit out of him or always give up your cornbread.

The Locked Up series is interesting to me, for one the inmates share, and show, how they do a lot of the illegal activities in prison.  Which let’s you know why they are in prison, not too bright.  It is one thing to say on camera that you get your hands on some things you should not have, and the prison agrees to not punish you for what you say in your interview.  Why would you show how you make it and how you hide it?  Idiot!

I find it interesting when watching the episodes how the punishment for infractions in prison is ‘the hole’/solitary confinement.  Solitary confinement is where you are placed in a cell to yourself, with no interaction with any inmates, if you get time outside it is by yourself away from the other prisoners, and your food is bought to you, no cafeteria.  Also, you only get a shower every other day and that too is by yourself.  Umm… HOW IN THE HELL IS THIS PUNISHMENT?!?!?!?!?!?  Seems like exactly the place I would want to be if I had to serve time in prison.

So what you do not get to have conversation in the yard with other inmates, not much changes in there how many times could I listen to guys talk about how their mom stopped writing them, how many cigarettes shoes are worth, and wondering if their girlfriend/wife/’baby’s mama’ is sleeping with someone else… no she is not sleeping with someone.  Why would she limit herself to sleeping with ONE.  I am not capable of giving a man the words he needs to hear when wondering if his woman is sleeping with another man (ME: “if by sleeping with another man, you mean did she sleep with a man, then the next day another man, then another man… Oh yeah then I am sure she is sleeping with another man, as soon as she can.  Why you crying?”)

Not having a roommate/’cellie’ is a plus, no snoring to be heard and you don’t have to worry about being killed in your sleep.  In most roommate situations, trusting a roommate enough to not kill you would be at the top of the list.  However, this is prison, his bed is above or below yours and the toilet is one foot away from some body’s bunk.  So not smelling someone else’s shit kind of trumps trusting them not to kill you and conversation.

A shower by yourself… come on! This is what you want, drop the soap all you want ain’t nobody sneaking up behind you.  Showering by yourself in prison would make any negatives about “the hole” not that big of a deal.  So what you have not spoken to anyone other than the personalities your continuously detached from reality brain creates, you don’t have to deal with an unwanted ass rape.

When it comes down to it the ass rape is really what prison is all about.  As I did earlier, we all use the “don’t drop the soap” line when someone is going to jail (the record for “don’t drop the soap” being posted on the internet was October 3, 2008, the day OJ Simpson received his sentence to time in Nevada State Prison).  Let’s say someone robbed your mother, they are arrested, convicted and sentenced to 20 months in prison which would good behavior and prison over-crowding will get reduced to 5 or 6 months.  If you found out somehow that the punk never took an unwanted d*ck up his ass, you’d be pretty pissed.  Now you see prison is not about the lost time, but about the lost anal virginity.  I believe judges should sentence criminals to the ass-rape… “Mr. Thomas you will serve for at least 11… no not 11 months… no not 11 years either Mr. Thomas.  Inches, 11-inches is the length of cock you will have to take everyday until the family you robbed at gunpoint feels like justice has been served and okay your release”.

It is good for everyone that I never serve time in prison, because I would do whatever I had to do to get my private room.  Knock a dude out with a lunch tray, done.  Slap a nurse in the infirmary, done.  Take a piss in the warden’s favorite coffee cup, done.  Lock a guard in a bathroom as he ‘pitches a loaf’ while playing Mozart’s “d Che soave zeffiretto” over the prison yard speakers, done and done!  As long as my asshole stays as tight as it was the day the bus dropped me off, then I will feel justified in my jailhouse infractions.

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