A Straight Jacket This Christmas for You My Friend!

The list of names of what I consider friends is brief.  I got rid of my Facebook page because it is ‘friend’ focused.  My last post on Facebook was “FB says I have 137 friends… I do NOT have 137 friends”.  To be a friend of mine chances are you have to own a pretty sick sense of humor, be in no way annoying, be able to discuss politics, own books, drink coffee, and never asked me for more than 20 bucks and that’s just to hold him tight until he gets to an ATM.  More than likely my friends are very funny comics at various levels of success in the field or in law enforcement that pull people over with the hope of getting a funny story out of the ‘side of the road’ interaction.

As you can see, the biggest character trait you must have to be my friend is to make me laugh and to laugh at my random sick thoughts.  This works best for me because when I see their name come up the display on my cell phone I do not have the urge to ‘ignore’ them because there will be some humor involved in the conversation (moment of truth about me: I have names listed on my contact list, so I know when NOT to answer the phone).  I have friends that are well-known comics, some comedic-actors with a great amount of success.  However my funniest friend, the funniest comic, the best writer is the least known.  We met each other on the road, I watched his set and saw a comic much like I was trying to be… a brother trying his best to not be a Comic View comic.  Nothing in his life was off-limits, just like in my set.  Pretty much we had the same interest, whiskey, jazz, and the gym.  We would try to get weeks with each other because when you are on the road it is rough when the other comic/comics don’t click with you outside the club.

When able to work with each other we knew a few things, we would not step on each other’s toes with our material.  We would give notes on jokes that would actually make the bits better.  Find the best dive bar in that city, drink Jack, bullshit some chicks (moment of truth about me #2: I love telling lies to women in clubs, once they completely buy into the lie and become interested… walk away and ignore them for the rest of the night.  Clubs are a joke and most of the people in them are too, I never took anything about bars and clubs serious except the drinking).  The next day when killing time before the show, we both workout so hit the gym, go grab some supplements, eat a chicken breast on lettuce, then find a music store and find the coolest guy in there and listen to stories about some 60’s rock star and kid he fathered in that town.  I know, we sound really gay.  Not gay in the negative ‘public service announcement you shouldn’t say that’ way or get a heated mention from Perez Hilton because you said that way… but we sound like two gay dudes trying to figure life out and eventually adopt a Malaysian kid.

Hell if we did not have women in our lives I would have had to ease up on at least the time in the gym with dude.  When we first met on the road, he had just started dating a new girl.  For the sake of this let’s call this girl Molly, because that’s her f*ckin’ name (that is actually his line, once she became a part of his act).  When I rolled into Ohio, where they both lived, one week to perform it was necessary for me to meet Molly.  She was okay, cute, but not what you think a guy would lose his mind over (moment of truth about me #3: in situations like this where the woman is not ‘knock down drag out fine’ I just assume she does some things so freaky that you have to hold on to her, because most women won’t let you do that or she makes biscuits from scratch).  She was cool, funny, happy to meet me, complimented me on my shirt, and told me I filled it out nicely… well that’s a flag.  We went to a few places that night, one great thing about Ohio is there are some nice places to hang out and they do not seem to want people outside of the state to know that, Molly knew hostesses and they made sure we got a nice spot to sit even when crowded with a line.

The bartenders knew Molly and knew what she liked the drink, nothing wrong with that, they were really nice to us and even nicer to my friend when they found out he was dating her… flag number 2 (moment of truth about me #4:  I use to be make extra bucks working in bars and clubs as either a bouncer or a bartender, when a guy walks in with girl the bartender is either interested in or has been with before that guy gets more Hennessy in his glasses and a few of those drinks never find their way to tab).  When we did the mandatory 4:00 am Waffle House visit, there is the booth of guys that notice Molly point and laugh a little.  The staff didn’t say anything to Molly but it was clear that they recognized her.  Then the ‘regular’ homeless guy that gets a single pass through before the manager tells them they have to leave, he saw Molly and said “you always have something for me”… okay that’s enough flags!  This shit ain’t gonna end well.

It did not, a fight with a guy she was cheating with, a warning from his landlord because of complaints about yelling from neighbors, a warning from a cop after checking on them when arguing in a bar parking lot, a blow up with that cop when he was off-duty because she cheated with him, an abortion, and lots of lost CD’s later it was finally over.  Over for her, I had to go through a year of crazy talk from him.  Wondering who she is with, while saying he didn’t really care if she was with someone else.  Hoping that when I did answer his call there may actually be a funny line or two on the other side, something to make the effort of pressing ‘accept’ worth it.  Leading only to hear a depressed voice on the other side then wonder if that rattling sound in the background is a bottle of sleeping pills.

Eventually it came to an end, not because he got over it but because he got busy.  Some time in LA and some ‘power meetings’ with some major people followed by some checks that equal my yearly salary can preoccupy anyone.  Once in a while, I would hear his ex had a baby with some guy or that someone saw her, or she had landed into a boat load of money (really?  I should hit it, I still fill out my shirt nicely).  Another reason he stopped chatting so much about his ex, is because of a new girl.

There are a group of guys that look up to my friend, he is in his 40’s late 40’s now and he still pulls 20-year-old women.  I am not one of those guys that look up to him for that (moment of truth about me #4: when I turned 35 and was meeting 21-year-old women after shows and in bars I set a firm rule for myself.  If I can think really hard and remember what I was doing the day you were born, I cannot date you. “October 23, 1988… uhh, English test in Mrs. James’ 3rd period class.  Sweetie keep your number, but if you see me 5 years from now I have a nephew I would like to introduce you to.”)  This is a major part of his problem… 20-year-old women can drive you crazy!  Not all of them but most of them,  a 20-year-old woman who has her head together does not have 20-year-old women as friends, she knows better.  You ever wonder why 20-year-old guys where sagging –skinny jeans?  20-year-old women are driving them crazy and they cannot focus on anything other than their bedazzled shirt (which is another issue all together).

The new girlfriend and him dated for 5 years, cuter than Molly.  He was not happy ever with her.  No need for flags on this one… this shit ain’t gonna last either.  Does she party a lot? Check.  Do random guys know who she is and all the bartenders treat him really nice? Check.  Is there this one guy who is just a friend that she always has drinks after work with? Check.  Does she know a cop that gets her out of traffic tickets? Check.  Is she a 20-year-old woman? Check.  Should I change my number and not give it to him before this ends badly?  Did not get a chance to check this off, he broke up with her out of the blue with no warning… shit!

It is not the constant updates about who she is messing with, the questions of why she is not calling him, or the complete and total lack of anything funny coming from his end of the conversation.  It is that nobody has told him that she is dating someone else, he believes that is the only reason why she wouldn’t call him, and when I say something I know is funny not even a chuckle, now he is just being a bastard.  Instead of an acknowledgement of my humor, he keeps talking about why she is not calling him.  I am not a relationship expert but when breaking up with someone your point is pretty much made when the last thing you say to her out the window as you drive away is “and bitch don’t call me no more”.  I thought he was a little off-balanced but this is psychotic.

He now swears he was happy in the relationship, even though all of friends have documented the times talking to him in the last 3 years when he stated he was ‘not happy with her’.  People come up to him after shows in Georgia, have conversations with him then believes that these people know her and she told them to fish for information after the show.  People make statements in passing about their kids and he thinks they have had a talk with her about how she wanted a baby but he didn’t and now they are making comments around him to mess with him.

Luckily he has an older sister, who has dealt with this for 30 years from him and now that she is in her 50’s she no longer has time for this bullshit.  Summing it all up his sister said, “stop dating 20-year-women!  If you do date another find one that has been through some shit in her life, you keep finding the 20-year-old with no responsibility and parents paying the rent.

“You cannot find a 20-year-old with a dead parent or a child or two working all day and taking online University of Phoenix classes?  Those heffa’s are mentally 39 years old, better yet find a 39-year-old with a gym membership and an ex-husband their tolerance to take part in bullshit, the receiving or delivery of it, left years ago”  (moment of truth about me #’s 5 and 6:  First, I find his sister hilarious.  Second, when I have reviewed a résumé from someone with a degree from the University of Phoenix I laugh uncontrollably and then place it in the same pile with names ending in “-niqua” and emails addresses like “toohot@somedomain.com” or anything@uofphoenix.edu).

The few times I thought he was joking recently, I realized he was not joking.  Like last week when someone commented about wanting to buy a car and he swore, that person must be sleeping with his ex and she must have told the guy that he wanted a new car, so he must be saying that to let him know that he is aware of his finances.  I laughed a little when he said, “I could just start picking these dudes off, 25 years in a state pen is enough time to get some reading done”.  That is funny to me… until a couple of days ago when he informed me that he had actually gone to his car and grabbed his gun that day.  Now I have to check this dude for weapons when we go out for whiskey and music now (moment of truth about me #7:  I ain’t going to jail for nobody!  I don’t believe in snitching, unless the snitching keeps me from being on the business end of a prison shower anal-rape.  I don’t care if that is too graphic, did you ever see the HBO show ‘Oz’?  That was graphic too and they won Emmy Awards.  Can a brother get a Pulitzer or at the least a NAACP Image Award?).

Like I mentioned, I have very few friends and I like it that way.  You take the good with the bad when you make friends.  We all have our moments, some more than others.  We all want the best for our friends and you deal with the crazy moments because when they do find that person that makes their life full, it makes your time talking more enjoyable.  It also allows your therapist to focus on your own issues instead of sorting through all the bull your friend has pumped into your head.

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