The Doula Do Her… She Don’t Do You

Chicago, IL 3:23 AM December 13, 2011 at 22 and a half inches, 9lbs and 6 amazing ounces my first child, my son Noah made his entrance to the world.

What I learned?  The placenta and me have a lot in common, could be useful in the future, nobody talks about it, and is the part of the birth that just has to be dealt with.  After birth and after thought is what we are and that is cool.

I went into the day being supportive, labor had to be induced, I knew the day would be long and luckily it lasted only 10 hours (I am sure there is someone I am very close to that would not talk to me for the rest of the week and if she had the energy choke the hell out of me for saying ‘only’).  The most important parts of this are healthy baby and healthy mommy this was not about me.  I did my part in causing this day and will learn to play my role under the direction of the two stars of this event.

A few of my friends sent me texts asking how I was holding up and my response was “this is not about me”.  I have taken mental notes from family members and friends and went into this knowing that I could not be present and have the same impact on the event.  There is nothing in the world that could have kept me from seeing my son born… unless it involved $10,000,000 and knowledge of every tax loop-hole the Republicans are protecting, my son could use a rich father too he should be in the 1%.

I ready for the treatment I will receive, to prepare for my role in this production I have studied every non-essential member of groups, teams, and pairs for the last 50 years.  I have read up on the feelings of Tito Jackson, the other two members of the Police, every member of Young Money not named Lil’ Wayne, Drake, or Minaj.  I reached out to and spent time with Dan Quayle, the other guys from Maroon 5, Kobe Bryant’s back-up, reporters on CNN not named Anderson Cooper, and Jon Cryer from ‘Two and a Half Men”.  It is surprising how easy it was to get in contact with these people, most of them are still listed in the phone book and in the case of Jesse Carmichael from Maroon 5, I was leaving a message for Jesse while doing that my phone beeped with a call waiting.  I took that call said ‘hello’.  “Hey this Jesse, sorry it took so long for me to call you back Rob.  What’s going on?  Wanna hang?  I can fly you out to LA!  Better yet where are you at?  I’ll just drive there; I could use something to do”.  Kind of sad, I just hung up on him when he started to Google me.

Even more surprising was that I received phone calls from Gloria Cain, both of Newt Gingrich’s ex-wives, and Nick Cannon.  So as you can see I am ready to be ignored by others and not made reference to by anyone including my spouse.  This should be minimally humbling for me; my son may actually have some respect for me after this.

Wrong, the nurse comes out to roll my wife to the room.  That is fine, one problem, I was standing in front of the wheelchair.  I am 6’4” I am not invisible, but I do not exist today.  Everyone comes in and speaks directly to the mommy-to-be, which is the right thing to do.  I take issue when they try to include me int the process.  “Ok daddy, you just keep sitting down in that chair like you are, that is a nice hat you have on.  What is that the Cubs?”

“No, it’s my hair.  I haven’t had time to get a haircut.  By the way, I’m standing right next to you.  I’m like right behind you… hello?”

“So daddy’s a Cubs fan, that’s nice.”

We bought in a doula, not that we were going for natural child-birth.  All medication was an option going into the day.  Why not use everything available a combination of natural and modern science is a great combination.  The doula arrived to the labor room, she was carrying an exercise ball and some snacks.  Awesome, some unique relaxation techniques for mom and something for us to snack on through the night… how nice is this?  Wrong, before I could tell her hello, she threw the exercise ball in my hands took the seat I was sitting in, ripped open the snacks and began eating.  Apparently the exercise ball was to keep me occupied.  While they are doing real work I could do some stability sit-ups and work on my core.

I had such a fear that I would be called every name possible, say something that would irritate and cause great anger that I was so careful with my words, that it is possible that if someone documented every word I said the entire 10 hours they would form a haiku.  By the time the doula showed up, the baby was well on his way.  An epidural was administered and 8 hours of slow progress went into hyper-drive.  My wife went from 4cm to 9cm in less than an hour, in simple terms… IT IS ON!

The doula actually took the heat I was expecting to get, it probably did not help that she was arrive a couple of hours later than when she was really needed.  Once the needle went into the spine, the doula was to be regulated to camera operations and shut the fuck up duty.  The doula would make suggestions and in return get pretty much a verbal slap.

“Just try to breath”

“Obviously I am breathing, I’m not dead”

Nice

“I’ll just rub your leg”

“Actually could you stop that, the epidural has kicked in my legs are numb, and your hands feel like sandpaper”

Wow… awesome

I have done a great job keeping my mouth shut, such a good job that the person she handpicked to be the voice of reason in the room is getting the verbal jabs.  Cool, I will keep this going until my son gets here so I can finally get some attention and he can stare at me.

Do not think that I was smug about the direction of those daggers.  When the doula took it and had a tough moment, I looked at her with a supporting look, even offered to get her some water.   It was the right thing to do, I needed her there taking that attention away from me.  This is the best decision this family has ever made, since my great-uncle pistol whipped a restaurant owner for giving him cold food and the entire family left Mississippi before they got strung-up!

My wife is struggling supporting her head by now, I place a pillow behind her neck.  She says “thanks”, I am #winning!!! A few minutes later, my wife is still struggling with her neck and the pillow is a source of irritation.  “You need some help baby?”  What the hell did I say that for…

“I don’t need any help from you.  Here take this damn pillow!”

The pillow was thrown at me, hitting me directly in my face.  Where in the hell did she get aim from?  Stunned by the display of Brett Favre like accuracy and the sudden show of anger and frustration directed towards me, I looked at the doula for the same support I had been given her.  I just needed a kind look, something to tell me that I should not take any of that personally.  Only to look at the doula and to find her lips twisted up to the side with a “that’s what the fuck you get” look on her face.

Not long after that, the baby arrived.  I will spare all the details, I am under the impression all of you took 6th grade Health classes and have the act of child-birth burned into your memories.  I will share that Noah’s heartbeat got seriously low and we became scared.  After he came out, it was only a couple of seconds but seemed like an eternity to me, he was there on the bed completely still.  I immediately prayed for his well-being and asked God to let him be okay.  He moved his little arm and cried a little, the best cry I have ever heard in my life.  It helped that he only cried for less than 5 seconds so it never reached “okay kid that’s enough” levels.

He was cleaned, weighed, checked, tested, foot prints taken, all I could do is stand there and look at him.  The nurse said he was 22.5 inches long, tied the record for longest baby born at that hospital… already in the history books, good job kid!  Finally I said something, after being speechless and on the verge of tears for minutes.  I said, “hey Noah, I waited so long to see you”.  He opened his eyes like he recognized my voice.  I said “he looks like he knows my voice”.  The doula said, “He does”.  Great moment, this is what I was waiting for some attention from my son.

His blood sugar was a little low, so they kept him to check levels.  He was not near us too much after the first bonding period with mommy.  All wanted was that moment where he would be that person that would confirm my part in this process.  After seeing him, the usual things take place that should take place for any father.  Protecting him, giving him every opportunity, immediate comfort with letting go anything that gets in the way of your time with him, and that love at first sight is indeed possible.  I also made a renewed commitment to my dreams and goals, because he deserves to see me loving what I do for a living.  He deserves to know that it is possible to make dreams realities.  I believe the best way for me to provide for him is through my dreams.  Not because of money, but because he deserves to have a father that is happy and at peace with his own life.

I think about watching Bears games with him on my lap.  How I cannot wait to see his mother feeding him and how much healthier he will be from that.  That I wish my mother were alive to see his face and that I wish she were alive so I could still see hers.  I am cherishing the possibilities of time with my son and accepting every responsibility that comes with it.  Finally, he comes to the room.  After more much-needed bonding time with mommy, it is time for him and I to have that moment I have waited for what is at this point 24 hours of being ignored.

And how does Noah justify my much-needed time with him:

Even my son has had enough of me today

Time/date stamp is wrong

Yes that is my son… a very humbling moment.  He is allowed…

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Living Through My Nephew

There are four young men walking this planet that call me uncle.  One of them is in Birmingham, Alabama with my little sister, I rarely see him.  The other three are closer, across the border in Gary, Indiana.  Those are my brother’s sons.  The oldest is in college now, he was cool growing up but grew into a pretty boy with an incredible ego, he turned out to be the guy I punched in jaw in college so he would shut the fuck up and leave anytime I walked into room.

Nothing against pretty boys, there is not anything wrong with being an attractive man, I try my best to be an attractive man (shout out to my barber Ike!  The best on the South Side… LOW END CRAZY ALL DAY, sorry I’m so Chi sometimes), but when a man feels that he is better than anyone because people think he’s cute, my open hand will find the left side of his face in front of a lot of people.  I know my oldest nephew will meet the ‘new me’ and realize how having your air supply cut off by a dude sick of hearing his damn mouth and begin to change his ways.  My brother, his father, agrees.  This is not about him, arrogant bastard.

My brother’s youngest sons are 9 and 7.  The 9-year-old is the most pleasant kid you will ever meet, keeps a smile on his face, he can walk into a room of 15 people stay five minutes and can make everyone feel like he spent all that time with them.  He is an incredible kid bright, loves being a big brother, and likes science.  Just an awesome nephew makes me happy to be his uncle.

The youngest nephew, everyone says is a little version of me.  He is not like I was when I was 7-years-old, he is like me now.  He is deceptively smart, makes the honor roll without anyone ever seeing him work.  He has comedic timing, something I believe I have, my brother has actually decided to stop taking him around people when someone close them has died.  My nephew has no boundaries.  My brother stopped by to pay his respects to a friend’s family whose mother died.  They walk into the funeral home my brother sees his friend, apologizes for not being able to attend the service later.  His friend says that is okay, he appreciates him just stopping by, mostly family would be at her wake.  My brother knows exactly the comment the youngest is about to make, and jumps out in action figure slow-mo mode… but cannot make it in time.  My nephew says “Wake?  I thought she was dead.”  Classic.

My brother beat the brakes off of him for that, had to.

My nephew says things I am likely to say, he always looks for the joke, my ‘filter’ is about the same… I let go with a good joke regardless of the situation or if it is proper.  Yes I have had many jobs and many meetings with HR.

Last week my nephew did something I have always wanted to do, said I wanted to do it, and said in front of him I wish I could do this.  My nephew like me and my brother, hate bullies and do not like to be messed with.  We do not let people pick on people, you may not like someone but everyone has the right to feel comfortable.  We will let you mess with us longer than we would let you pick on someone else, because we all know there is a limit and once you reach it will make it clear how much we will take.  I have choked people, my brother slaps people.

One time a friend of mine and my brothers came to me and said “you need to talk to your brother, he’s been going around slapping dudes.  Somebody is going to get his boys one day and run up on him.”

My response: “no they won’t.”  There was some silence and confusion I gave more “you said someone is going to get their boys to run up on my brother?  For your boys to run up on someone to defend their friend, said friend has to let those friends know why my brother needs to get stomped. It would not even get that far.  How can you get your friends to fight someone for you because another man slapped you?”

I would love to see the friends on the other end of that conversation:

“Yeah nigga we boys, we’ll roll with you.  What he do?  What he do? Huh?  Say that again… He slapped you?  What you do, not have all his money?  Get caught talking to another pimp?”

Last week my nephew had enough from a kid that was had been messing with him.  My nephew is in the second grade and this other kid is new to the school this year.  The other kids in the school have learned to not mess with my nephew.  Playground, this other kid throws rocks, makes jokes about, and picks at my nephew.  In class, throws paper, tries to get my nephew in trouble, treats my nephew like he is a straight punk.  My nephew has had it, the line was crossed.

He did the thing I have always wanted to do.  The thing I have joked about doing in front of him so often, he put it on his ‘To-Do’ list.  My nephew stands up, walks over to the other kid and proceeds to flip his desk over!  I am proud and jealous.  I have always wanted to flip someone’s desk over as a sign of anger and a statement to ‘keep fucking with me if you want to”.  Like Bernie Mack once said “it’s gonna be some furniture moving up in here”!

Can you imagine your punk-ass-boss giving you hell day after day, week after week, and you say fuck it!  Then flip his desk over.  What can he do?  Sit there stunned, that is all he can do.  Sure he will want you fired, but HR will have to block that because obviously your boss did something that caused you to reach this point.  So some time off, therapy, and a transfer to another department is necessary… to avoid a law suit.

Now that my nephew has pulled off the greatest feat in my family’s history, since my great-uncle pistol whipped a restaurant owner for not only making him go to the back door to order his food, but also for giving him cold food.  Here is that story, really quick:  My great-uncle Abe ordered steak and eggs with toast.  Gets his order handed to him through the back door next to the garbage, checks his order, puts the back of his hand on the toast and says “toast cold”.  The owner says ‘what’?

“Toast cold.”

“So what, boy get the fuck off my steps”

AND THAT’S HOW HE GOT PISTOL WHIPPED AND HOW MY FAMILY ENDED UP RELOCATING TO THE CHICAGOLAND AREA.

Honestly my wet dream is to approach someone say “toast cold” and then flip over the desk.  However, I am resigned to live through my nephew.

I had to ask him, “Hey man, what did the kid do after you flipped his desk over”.

“He did what he was supposed to do, Uncle Rob.  He got up out his chair, bent over, and picked it back up.”

Exactly, nephew, exactly.

I Don’t Come To Your Job And Slap The Broom Out Your Hand!

“Really poor children, in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works so they have no habit of showing up on Monday.  They have no habit of staying all day, they have no habit of I do this and you give me cash unless it is illegal”

By now you know those are Newt Gingrich’s words.  Newt believes the US should change their child labor laws.  That the country should allow teens younger than 16 to work so they can earn money, in the long run teach them something they need to know about earning a living.  Wow Newt that is so… so… I can’t even be kind.  I can’t even fake kindness as I type this.  Newt I am going to need you to stop holding the hand of your wife or the hand of the chick you are cheating on your wife with (you ain’t changed, no man spends that much at Tiffany’s on his wife) and come with me.

So I was checking out your little idea about having poor kids work in their schools to earn money.  I am sure you will work out all the issues with the labor unions that monitor who does what work in school buildings and frown on work being down by students in schools because it does take away from work that the members of their union could be doing.  Yes you have thought about it Newt, when you specifically mentioned kids working in schools that let me know you had thought about it.  You can ass-rape a labor union while saying you are putting kids to work.  How can someone argue supporting putting union janitors back to work, when it means taking money out of the pockets of kids who have become dependent on that cash?  Maybe if that kid’s dad was a school janitor and instead of the family getting $28,000 a year to do that work, the kid now does it for 8 bucks an hour.

Cam, what’s up?  How is your grandmother doing?  Good, I will talk to you later.  Oh this is Newt, I know it is hard to say that name without laughing.  Newt, this is Cam he was in one of my programs a couple of years ago, he is a sophomore in high school.  I am glad you got to see Cam, he goes to one of the better high schools in Chicago.  Lives in low-income housing, has to fight and defend his brother a few times a week.  Absolutely right Newt, his father is not around. Yeah I did mention his grandmother, yes he is being raised by her… right again, Newt, Cam’s mother is a drug addict.  Man you know your Black people.

That high school Cam goes to, he had to get a scholarship to go there.  Most of the kids that go to that school have very rich parents, sons of Chicago politicians, and CEO’s.  Yes it is a great opportunity for ‘someone like him’.  His freshman year, he only received a partial scholarship he was given the option to pay the rest or work off the rest.  Well he lives in low-income housing, so his family could not afford the $9,000 the school was asking for.  Well to you that isn’t a lot and if I was you I wouldn’t talk about nine-grand so carelessly like that around here.  Well Cam worked it off, he swept and mopped floors in the morning and after school.  Yep, just like your plan.  Yes it got Cam into the school with this awesome education… No, the connections will not work out too well for Cam.

See this is one of the flaws in your plan.  When the rich kids walked into the school in the morning, Cam had a broom in his hand.  When the rich kids were on their way to baseball practice, Cam had a broom in his hand… Cam was teased and picked on so much that what he knows about work now is, you can get to work early/stay late and if you are not a part of ‘establishment’ or one of the ‘boys’ you are excluded.  Do you know how depressing it is to be picked on by rich white kids?  What the hell am I thinking?  Of course you know what that is like, look at you.  When you were 15 you had to be the most awkward looking kid ever and your name was ‘Newt’.  I would have hated to be you in the locker room after gym class; I bet you figured out a way to shower in your shorts with a towel draped over your shoulder.  You would have had an easier time in a prison shower, with those man-boobs you’d be somebody’s bitch and he would dare someone to say something disrespectful to you as you lathered up.

So Cam does not develop a good work ethic, what he did develop was a better idea of the realities between class in this country, that you can bust your ass all day at work and still feel like you are not getting ahead.  What he learned was how to be an American, a working-poor American.  Newt sweeping a floor does not teach you work ethic.  Work ethic is something that cannot be taught, which pisses me off about your comments.  Saying that poor kids do not see parents with good work ethics, thus they cannot learn them.  People develop a work ethic, that’s the first thing.  The second thing is, your work ethic develops based on if you believe you can get the basics in life by working 8 hours a day.  When you have been excluded by others, like you, from having access to a good education and the resources to learn on your own, how can poor kids develop a work ethic when the example given to them is exclusion and, now, we can let you sweep the floor.

What these ‘poor kids’ look at their parents and see someone trying their best to keep a roof over the family’s head.  These kids feel their parents stress like you feel your secretary’s ass, often and with a sense to do something that can make everyone involved feel better.  Just like you, these kids can only hear no so many times before they go get what they want from somebody else.

Let’s head over here to the Englewood neighborhood of Chicago… What was that you said Newt?  Oh, it looks dangerous over here.  Nah, it IS dangerous over here.  Here, put this pass around your neck and shut the fuck up.  No, the people here don’t mind you talking to them, I’ve always wanted to tell you to shut the fuck up and this was my opportunity.  They start shooting as soon as the kids start going to school in the morning.  The football team has to get on a bus to go to their practice field three blocks away and sometimes they get shot at on their way home.  Why do they do it?  Do what, shoot at football players or play football knowing they will get shot at?  Well they play because they love to play football, it is their outlet.

I use to develop after school programming for teens in this part of Chicago, it was tough to get them to stay after school.  The programs were based on what they wanted to do and some of those programs provided a cash stipend.  They still didn’t show up.  They would run home or at least to their block because they could be shot at if they tried to walk home too long after school was let out.  The police are only around the school for thirty minutes after school.  If you cannot get kids to stay after school for things they like and get paid for it, what makes you think they will stay to sweep a floor a couple of bucks?

Well Newt I appreciate that you think your plan is an alternative to poor kids selling drugs.  Let me ask you something, do you see any drug dealers out here?  Hell no you don’t.  This drug life that you think is flourishing in the hood, ain’t happening.  Yeah 25 years ago when Reagan and his boys were getting pure/uncut from the Contras, the drug game was an option for poor kids.

Newt Gingrich’s statement lets me know that America needs to be updated on drug activity in the hood.  Here we go…

ATTENTION AMERICA!!! Ain’t nobody making money like that in the hood!!! Carry on.

Yes, drugs are still being sold in any hood in the country.  Kids aren’t involved much anymore; older guys are the ones selling it on the streets.  The transactions you think are going on are not for the weak and that includes the kids in the neighborhood.  20 to 40 year olds have pushed kids out of the game.  You know what kids are in the dope game?  The 17-year-old in the suburbs, trying to be the popular kid/gangster in his gated community, we need to have a real conversation about what is actually taking place in this country.  Weed heads know if you want to smoke good… find a rich white teenager in the suburbs.

What is the violence over?  Frustration.  Everyone fighting for the same one piece of anything.  Violence in poor communities comes from reality beating the hell out of you and not knowing how to handle your anger.  Not being able to see a way out of it, and it comes out in some very tragic ways.  All the fights, all the teens murdered, I have seen in years of working with kids, not one… NOT ONE OF THEM involved in an ‘illegal transaction’.  More than likely it involves an argument over someone from the opposite sex or the feeling that someone disrespected you.  Which is all you have to look for in poor communities, hopefully someone loves no matter how broke you are and that people respect you enough to leave you alone.

The kids in those ‘poor’ communities (thanks for substituting “Black” “Latino” with ‘poor’) wish they could get into the drug game.  What do kids say?  I can’t speak for all of them, I can let you know what some kids on the South Side of Chicago have said to me:  Just trying to find the right hustle.

Speaking of hustles… didn’t you say something about $60,000 a speech?  Let me get this right, you are making $60,000 every time you walk up to a podium and talk about the ‘good old days’ when you use to feed Ronald Reagan jelly beans and talk about tax breaks until early morning hours.  When someone wants to really help poor kids, they usually try to show them what they do and tell them how to do it, maybe aid them in getting into that field.  Why haven’t you went out and found a few poor kids, teach them the in and outs on public speaking bring them in with you to share their challenges and victories.  Then you could break them off a grand or two, another little thing about poor kids, they ain’t asking for much.  You could have the Newt Gingrich “Def Conservative Jam” take that out on the road help hundreds of kids and do much more good than you would by putting a broom in their hands.  But apparently you can only see poor kids as ‘the help’.  I once said ‘somebody has to sweep the floor’ but we have to pay them well to do it.

Newt, I think you believe you believe that this can help poor kids.  You remind me of someone else, and I am sure I am the only person that has put the two of you together.  Both said something with good intentions, though you both should have shut the fuck up (I really like telling you that).  Bill Cosby, in 2004 he have his infamous “Pound Cake” speech in Washington DC during a ceremony by the NAACP to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of Brown vs. the Board of Education.

Bill Cosby ranted:   “But these people, the ones up here in the balcony fought so hard. Looking at the incarcerated, these are not political criminals. These are people going around stealing Coca-Cola. People getting shot in the back of the head over a piece of pound cake! And then we all run out and are outraged, ‘The cops shouldn’t have shot him.’ What the hell was he doing with the pound cake in his hand? I wanted a piece of pound cake just as bad as anybody else And I looked at it and I had no money. And something called parenting said, ‘If you get caught with it you’re going to embarrass your mother.’ Not ‘You’re going to get your butt kicked.’ No. ‘You’re going to embarrass your family.”

Dr. Cosby was discussing single-parent homes and how our kids want things that may not be needed at the cost of necessities.  Like you he criticized those raising kids for not being responsible.  Like you Dr. Cosby made some good points, but said them all wrong.  I believe Dr. Cosby would have been better off saying “I lost my son to a random act of violence; you have all heard stories about one my daughters battling drug addiction.  I am worth hundreds of millions of dollars, if I am being touched by these things, it has to be killing each of you”.  It compassion through understanding, something each of us is capable of doing, even you Newt.

Newt, you give $60,000 speeches so you do not need my advice on the proper things to say.  I do not get paid a cent to speak to anyone and nobody is lining up to start.  So I trust you could have done a better job than what you did.  Like Bill, what you said may not have been completely wrong.  However, you could have said it differently and who is to say you should have been the one to say it.  Our children are much smarter than you give them credit.  They see life as a hustle, finding what you can do that people will pay you for doing.  Like you and speeches or your knowledge of history.  Like Bill Cosby and his ability to craft a story.  To your point, if poor kids could now… yes even Nino Brown.  The life you think poor kids are living is much like the fantasy Lil’ Wayne is selling to them.  (Wow, I successfully compared Newt Gingrich to Lil’ Wayne, I’m riding my own jock on that one!)

 

Back in the days, our parents used to take care of us
Look at em now, they even fuckin scared of us
Callin the city for help because they can’t maintain
Damn, shit done changed
If I wasn’t in the rap game
I’d probably have a key knee deep in the crack game
Because the streets is a short stop
Either you’re slingin crack rock or you got a wicked jumpshot
Shit, it’s hard being young from the slums
eatin five cent gums not knowin where your meals comin from
And now the shit’s gettin crazier and major
Kids younger than me, they got the Sky grand Pagers

Newt, that was the Notorious B.I.G. discussing the streets that poor kids live in.  Yes he did suggest he would resort to selling drugs if he had to, but he was in his 20’s at this point and it was 1994.  The name of the song was “Things Done Changed” and they have…

To my surprise, kids on the South Side of Chicago are listening to and know these lines.

Lupe

I think I’m Malcom X, Martin Luther
Add a King, add a Junior
Couple bible verses, and some sooners
An AK-47 that’s a revolution!! (nigga)
Think I’m Tupac, Bob Marley
Fela Kuti, Marcus Garvey
Them the real ones, light a lighter for em
If you ain’t know, I’m ridin’ for em

Who use most the drugs? Americans!
Whats in Afghanistan? heroin!
You think thats by mistake? They cant stop dat?
Don’t think you safe though, because you not black
Greed is colorblind, so I’m colorblind
They gon’ fuck with yours soon as they done with mine

Newt, by putting a broom in poor kids’ hands it screams to them that this is as much as you think they will ever be in life.  Your plan would also keep poor kids from being competitive you’re your grandkids.  Who is going to get the President’s scholarship at the University of Georgia?  The kid that had the internship with Fannie Mae or the kid that mopped piss off the floor after school, the sweeping thing just doesn’t make a résumé stand out.  I think you know that.

What you should worry about is not the lack of work ethic, or the illegal transaction, but that kids have realized they do not have to do what you believe they should do to survive.  That these kids are willing to do what it takes to eat, that they are that willing to do whatever it takes to not see their mother cry because she does not know if she can pay the rent.  You should be concerned that these kids see you and people like you have lied to them.

Newt, think about another way to get these kids involved in the American Dream, think of another way to get them to develop a work ethic (though they already have one), think about how you would feel if someone limited your options or your grandkids options to sweeping a floor.  Think of how make poor kids competitive in the work force by the time they are 25 years old.  These would benefit the entire country.  Put poor kids in programs that make them more comfortable with science and math so they can compete for STEM jobs 8 years from now.  Honestly Newt, if I was getting paid $60,000 every time I gave a speech, like you I would be saying as much as I can.  But until you can think before you speak… shut up on this one.  I mean that with all respect due a disgraced former Speaker of the House.

The Pimp Monologue

Slow down where you running off to?  You ain’t got no fuckin’ place to be but right here.  Sit down, see that’s your problem, in a rush to get to where you don’t know.  Let’s get these drinks and talk a bit.

My man… let me get a Crown and whatever it is she been drinking.  Ha… see you thought I was gonna let you come up.  Hell naw drink what you been drinking.  If I was one of them square ass dudes, I would let you get whatever you want.  You’d be sitting up here sipping on rock-gut then one of them lame ass niggas would let you get what you want, then all of sudden you’d have some class, some fuckin’ style.  You’d get you some Paul Mason or that damn bumpy face up there.

It at that you can’t have that, but you ain’t mine.  You got to be with me to drink like that, see that ho down there what it look like she drinking?  Water???!!!!?????  See you need to get up on this pimpin’, she drinkin’ that damn Ciroc.  I showed her that, she with me.  You know who drink that, hell no you don’t know who drinks that because I ain’t showed you shit yet.  Puff Diddy be sipping that.  You up here drinking that bullshit, if you with me… THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT, I’m right here.

I see through you, you gonna try and disrespect this pimpin’ to see if I’d correct your ass.  I believe in correction.  I walk around with a this cane and a red ink pen.  Them girls don’t know if I am gonna break this stick off in they ass or write ‘em up for a improper stroll violation.  Yeah, yeah, smile… I like that, yeah, I like that.

Let me sit down over here, hold on… the fuck is she doing?  (Snap/Snap)  Yeah you better had bought that money over here.  I saw you come out the bathroom with that lame ass muh’fucka.  I ain’t even gonna count it, you know I know it better be there.  What you on a break?  Ain’t no time off, I smell money… it’s either in here or out there.  Matter of fact, it’s out there on that street.  You think you slick, yeah it’s nice and warm in here.  Let that cold air be your motivation, it’s nice and warm in the back of lame’s ride.  If you get your ass to work you won’t even be in that cold.  You’d be out there long enough to get in the next muh’fucka’s car.  Step step.

Where the hell is that nigga with my drink!  Huh? I gotta ask about your stank ass drink, if he bring mine he bringing yours.  Yeah, yeah… you gonna try a pimp.  Hey man!  Where that Crown at?  Huh?  I don’t know what the fuck she drinking, that’s your job.  Heh heh… who the fuck I look like Issac.  I ain’t pointed at nobody, not even these ho’s.  Did I point at you?  Nope.  I saw you lookin’ at this pimpin’, that’s where you slipped.  I been seeing you out here, you been trying to do it by yourself.  Rough out here ain’t it, yeah, yeah it is.

Saw you out on that damn track 2 nights ago.  Saw you over on Bishop 4 nights ago.  Shit, I saw you with a Bishop… right after that square left the church, hands all up in his coat.  I even saw you tap them heels fast as hell 5 nights ago, patted a lame muh’fucka on his ass and keep it movin’.  Yeah now you see how far back this pimpin’ go.  I see you, you see me too.  You been seeing me.  I ain’t say this shit here, saw you last night over on 8th.  You last night tried to get away from that po-po last night, that cop hemmed you up, all up in yo’ bag.  You ain’t got no man and you ain’t locked up now, so let me guess you had to finish that nasty ass pig off in the back of his squad.  Yeah, yeah… that’s what you had to do.

See that’s what happens when you walking the wrong way down a one-way street.  See you need guidance, you need direction.  My girls know, muh’fuckin’ cop try to get some head they pay like everyone else.  If he get mad and lock ‘em up what you think happen?  I’ll tell you what happens, I’m talking, they walk they ass into that damn lock up don’t even touch a phone.  The old ass front desk cop, call me before them ho’s even get ink on their fingers.  Then he make another call, order them a two piece, to share until I get down there.  You tryin’ to do this solo… you need management.  What you a free agent?  Who the fuck is you, LeBron James?  You betta make your muh’fuckin’ decision then.  You better pick this here pimpin’!

‘Bout time this damn Crown got here, you fuckin’ up my buzz, slow ass muh’fucka… bet you bust a nut faster than pour a drink.  What the fuck is that you drinkin’ anyway?  Remy?  Oh you drink that brown… you’ll change that.  I keeps my lady on that white, that brown get in your system, all of sudden you think you the pimp up in this bitch.  Yeah that white, both kinds.  Yeah, yeah… you hear me talking now.  You gotta earn it though.  You gotta be on this team though, you have to get up on this pimpin’.  See you drinkin’ too slow, you should half done with that by now.  See we ain’t got time for you to be sippin’.  That’s why you gotta be on that white when you drink.  One go down smooth, the other one make you move.

See I’m tryin’ to help you out, look I gotta be about this money.  I got money out on that street.  Them ho’s got money hangin’ out they ass cheeks right now because I’m here fuckin’ round wit you.  See you ain’t about no money.  How you gonna make money sitting here sippin’ on that yac!  I’m trying to help you out, you can come on with this here pimpin’ or you can sit there and be a busta for the rest of your life.  The choice is yours… oh you leavin’?  I’ll find you, yeah, yeah… I’ll find you.  Bye bitch.

Hey nigga!  How much for these dranks?  12 dollars?  See if I was a square ass muh’fucka I’d complain about how high the drinks are in this dirty ass shack.  Every time I walk out of here I gotta buy a new silk rag to dust off these gators.  Yeah I got this here, money ain’t a problem.  I’m fuckin’ with you joe, you know you my man.  Yeah, yeah… where is that bread at?  The one ho gave me a stack, I had two stacks from them other ho’s…  I was sitting here talking to that one ho and the other ho gave me another stack… the fuuuuck?

Editors note:

She wasn’t a ho… she was a pick pocket.  A good one.

I’ll Be That! (Meant to offend, in memory of Patrice O’Neal)

In the movie Jackie Brown, Samuel L. Jackson’s character, ‘Ordell Robbie’, said a line I find so hilarious in my world is equivalent to “I’ll be back” and “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn”. The line written by Quentin Tarantino gave Spike Lee fits but gave me an uncontrollable fit of laughter that did not allow me to see him setting ‘Beaumont’ up for the rest of the scene.

Ordell Robbie:

Look, I hate to be the kinda nigga does a nigga a favor, then, BAM!, hits a nigga up for a favor in return. But I’m afraid I gots to be that kinda nigga.

So forgive me as I take a few moments to ask some people for a favor.

President Obama:  What up cuz?  Long time, the house looks straight every time I go by there Secret Service is posted and the neighbors know better.  Next time you are in town I will make sure I meet you at Valois for breakfast, they got your favorite combinations listed as ‘The President’s Specials’, that is kind of hot.  You use to be the laid back cat eating breakfast and reading the newspaper in the morning, now you are President of the United DAMN States.

Let me holla at you real quick fam.  Look, I swallowed hard and voted for you, kept my mouth shut when I heard people talking that blindly supported you even though they thought the Electoral College must be a college in some city actually named Electoral.  Early in this past summer I decided I would step it up a bit and sign-up for your campaign.  I am making phone calls and canvassing.  I see this time around may not be as easy as it was in 2008, so I wanted to look out for you on this one, make sure my cousins and the dudes from off the block had your back.  Hell, we’re neighbors.  Look, I hate to be the kinda nigga does a nigga a favor, then, BAM!, hits a nigga up for a favor in return. But I’m afraid I gots to be that kinda nigga.

Look here nigga… I am sure you have a master plan and all, probably waiting to swing back towards the end of the Spring.  Everyone pretty much knows you are the ‘smartest guy in the room’, but you gonna have to start being that dude, ‘The Smartest Guy in the Room’.  It is cool when you are the smartest guy in the room in high school and to reserve your ass whupping from the thugs in 3rd period for a later date, that in your best interest you keep that ‘smartest guy’ thing on the low.  However, you are the President of the United States and last I checked one of the, if not THE, foremost expert on constitutional law in the country.  There is a reason why nobody makes constitutional challenges against you (hell, they knew the Health Reform would stand up they only took it to court because their followers were too ignorant to understand that anything you put up would stand up to the constitution) anyone that wants to put your policies up for a challenge will not make it out of the Appellate Courts.  Unfortunately, all I have to support you on is your choice in breakfast meat (combining the Steak and Eggs plate with a side of sausage patties, nice touch joe).

So if you could throw a comment out there that could make their heads explode I would appreciate it.  You have it in you, Rick Perry said some slick shit about you in September you responded back to him during an interview on CNN.  Messed Perry up so much that the next time he was on TV during a debate he stumbled so badly he couldn’t form a complete sentence.  You fucked up a man’s subject-verb agreement through a sound bite, imagine what you could do to congress if you pulled your panties out your ass… no disrespect.

Next…

Kim Kardashian.  What up baby girl?  Sorry to hear things did not work out for you, but I saw that coming.  Hey we live and we learn, right? I didn’t really get all twisted when I heard all the fuss about the videotape of you and Brandy’s little brother.  Didn’t see anything so special about you that I couldn’t find walking down Stoney Island, but I didn’t say anything for or against you.  When Paris Hilton talked about you like you were a slut, I stepped up for you a bit considering she is the original video slut (I give Pamela Anderson a pass since it was her husband and you didn’t find that video beneath them at all).  You started being seen with Reggie Bush, people said you were trying hook into Reggie because he may have been fascinated by you because he was younger (in other words he saw clips of you jaw stroking Brandy’s little brother and wanted a taste) and he was about to walk into 20-million in guaranteed NFL money so he could afford you.  I was like let them do them.  You got the TV show, okay make you a little cake for yourself and bring the family along for the ride, no problem with that.  I didn’t say a word that your mom got attention hungry and became a media whore too.  I did not let anyone know how much vomit I shot out of my body when I saw a picture from your mother’s Playboy spread.

Your breakup with Reggie, not a word from me that was between you two and I was sure you would do just fine.  You went on to Miles Austin, then Kris Humphries… hell you like brothers.  You had the relationship between you and Kris blasted on the E Network and you were at more New Jersey Nets games last season than Jay-Z and he is an owner of the team.  You took in millions for the wedding, again I said good for you if people want to ‘make it rain’ at your wedding I was sure your wedding would give the proper opportunity for anyone who wanted to do that.  Hey, I have been holding this back for years now, it pisses me off that I know how to spell Kardashian without checking it’s spelling anymore and your father Robert Kardashian was part of the OJ trial… by the time that was over with we knew everything about and from the OJ trial except how to spell Kardashian. Look, I hate to be the kinda nigga does a nigga a favor, then, BAM!, hits a nigga up for a favor in return. But I’m afraid I gots to be that kinda nigga.  Can you just go away and die.

Now I do not mean I want you to die, but I mean I want you to go away… if I hear somewhere down the road that you died, great.  Maybe your family can sell the broadcast rights to your funeral, let’s be honest none of them are making any dough on their own.  Your funeral would mark the very last opportunity they can make some change off your fat ass.  Because when it comes down to it, you are famous for having a really big ass.  So since it is always about your ass, let me sum this all up in proper way.  Your shit stinks, flush the toilet, spray, and please close the door behind you.