I’ll Be That! (Meant to offend, in memory of Patrice O’Neal)

In the movie Jackie Brown, Samuel L. Jackson’s character, ‘Ordell Robbie’, said a line I find so hilarious in my world is equivalent to “I’ll be back” and “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn”. The line written by Quentin Tarantino gave Spike Lee fits but gave me an uncontrollable fit of laughter that did not allow me to see him setting ‘Beaumont’ up for the rest of the scene.

Ordell Robbie:

Look, I hate to be the kinda nigga does a nigga a favor, then, BAM!, hits a nigga up for a favor in return. But I’m afraid I gots to be that kinda nigga.

So forgive me as I take a few moments to ask some people for a favor.

President Obama:  What up cuz?  Long time, the house looks straight every time I go by there Secret Service is posted and the neighbors know better.  Next time you are in town I will make sure I meet you at Valois for breakfast, they got your favorite combinations listed as ‘The President’s Specials’, that is kind of hot.  You use to be the laid back cat eating breakfast and reading the newspaper in the morning, now you are President of the United DAMN States.

Let me holla at you real quick fam.  Look, I swallowed hard and voted for you, kept my mouth shut when I heard people talking that blindly supported you even though they thought the Electoral College must be a college in some city actually named Electoral.  Early in this past summer I decided I would step it up a bit and sign-up for your campaign.  I am making phone calls and canvassing.  I see this time around may not be as easy as it was in 2008, so I wanted to look out for you on this one, make sure my cousins and the dudes from off the block had your back.  Hell, we’re neighbors.  Look, I hate to be the kinda nigga does a nigga a favor, then, BAM!, hits a nigga up for a favor in return. But I’m afraid I gots to be that kinda nigga.

Look here nigga… I am sure you have a master plan and all, probably waiting to swing back towards the end of the Spring.  Everyone pretty much knows you are the ‘smartest guy in the room’, but you gonna have to start being that dude, ‘The Smartest Guy in the Room’.  It is cool when you are the smartest guy in the room in high school and to reserve your ass whupping from the thugs in 3rd period for a later date, that in your best interest you keep that ‘smartest guy’ thing on the low.  However, you are the President of the United States and last I checked one of the, if not THE, foremost expert on constitutional law in the country.  There is a reason why nobody makes constitutional challenges against you (hell, they knew the Health Reform would stand up they only took it to court because their followers were too ignorant to understand that anything you put up would stand up to the constitution) anyone that wants to put your policies up for a challenge will not make it out of the Appellate Courts.  Unfortunately, all I have to support you on is your choice in breakfast meat (combining the Steak and Eggs plate with a side of sausage patties, nice touch joe).

So if you could throw a comment out there that could make their heads explode I would appreciate it.  You have it in you, Rick Perry said some slick shit about you in September you responded back to him during an interview on CNN.  Messed Perry up so much that the next time he was on TV during a debate he stumbled so badly he couldn’t form a complete sentence.  You fucked up a man’s subject-verb agreement through a sound bite, imagine what you could do to congress if you pulled your panties out your ass… no disrespect.

Next…

Kim Kardashian.  What up baby girl?  Sorry to hear things did not work out for you, but I saw that coming.  Hey we live and we learn, right? I didn’t really get all twisted when I heard all the fuss about the videotape of you and Brandy’s little brother.  Didn’t see anything so special about you that I couldn’t find walking down Stoney Island, but I didn’t say anything for or against you.  When Paris Hilton talked about you like you were a slut, I stepped up for you a bit considering she is the original video slut (I give Pamela Anderson a pass since it was her husband and you didn’t find that video beneath them at all).  You started being seen with Reggie Bush, people said you were trying hook into Reggie because he may have been fascinated by you because he was younger (in other words he saw clips of you jaw stroking Brandy’s little brother and wanted a taste) and he was about to walk into 20-million in guaranteed NFL money so he could afford you.  I was like let them do them.  You got the TV show, okay make you a little cake for yourself and bring the family along for the ride, no problem with that.  I didn’t say a word that your mom got attention hungry and became a media whore too.  I did not let anyone know how much vomit I shot out of my body when I saw a picture from your mother’s Playboy spread.

Your breakup with Reggie, not a word from me that was between you two and I was sure you would do just fine.  You went on to Miles Austin, then Kris Humphries… hell you like brothers.  You had the relationship between you and Kris blasted on the E Network and you were at more New Jersey Nets games last season than Jay-Z and he is an owner of the team.  You took in millions for the wedding, again I said good for you if people want to ‘make it rain’ at your wedding I was sure your wedding would give the proper opportunity for anyone who wanted to do that.  Hey, I have been holding this back for years now, it pisses me off that I know how to spell Kardashian without checking it’s spelling anymore and your father Robert Kardashian was part of the OJ trial… by the time that was over with we knew everything about and from the OJ trial except how to spell Kardashian. Look, I hate to be the kinda nigga does a nigga a favor, then, BAM!, hits a nigga up for a favor in return. But I’m afraid I gots to be that kinda nigga.  Can you just go away and die.

Now I do not mean I want you to die, but I mean I want you to go away… if I hear somewhere down the road that you died, great.  Maybe your family can sell the broadcast rights to your funeral, let’s be honest none of them are making any dough on their own.  Your funeral would mark the very last opportunity they can make some change off your fat ass.  Because when it comes down to it, you are famous for having a really big ass.  So since it is always about your ass, let me sum this all up in proper way.  Your shit stinks, flush the toilet, spray, and please close the door behind you.

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24 thoughts on “I’ll Be That! (Meant to offend, in memory of Patrice O’Neal)

  1. First of all – LOVE the Tarantino quote used for framework. But, anything Tarantino, I’m likely to get on board with. Second… well written and very funny.

      1. I know people bawk at me when I tell them this, but still think my fav is Deathproof. The dialogue at the restaurant and the real stunts via Zoe Bell + Robert Frost references… I’m a sucker for Tarantino’s style. And Kurt Russell was just damn creepy, man. (Don’t get me wrong – I really don’t have a Tarantino “Favorite” – because they’re all awesome. How do you really pick between Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction?? I mean, really?)

        Now I’m gonna have to do a post on Tarantino. Thanks a lot. LOL

    1. LOL… Guess I won’t even TRY to debate that reasoning. 😉 I think I’m partial to Pulp Fiction, but only because I still want to know what’s in that DAMN suitcase!

  2. Great read! I don’t follow American politics much, but I have followed the Kardashians (I stopped though – SINCERELY – so I felt a little less than a complete fool reading that part!haha)

  3. your writing is exquisite. so filled with a mordant wit. and so right on the money. just wondering since i “follow” your shit how come i haven’t been getting notified of your postings? will check in on my own from now on. continue…

      1. I had the same problem with mine. Make sure you confirm the subscriptions. Go into Read Blogs and Edit List. There will be a drop down menu for each one you’ve subscribed to that allows you to designate how often you get notifications. As soon as I changed mine to “instantly”, “daily”, or “weekly”… it all worked correctly. If you’ve already tried that – disregard my redundant information. If not, I hope it helps.

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