The Pimp Monologue

Slow down where you running off to?  You ain’t got no fuckin’ place to be but right here.  Sit down, see that’s your problem, in a rush to get to where you don’t know.  Let’s get these drinks and talk a bit.

My man… let me get a Crown and whatever it is she been drinking.  Ha… see you thought I was gonna let you come up.  Hell naw drink what you been drinking.  If I was one of them square ass dudes, I would let you get whatever you want.  You’d be sitting up here sipping on rock-gut then one of them lame ass niggas would let you get what you want, then all of sudden you’d have some class, some fuckin’ style.  You’d get you some Paul Mason or that damn bumpy face up there.

It at that you can’t have that, but you ain’t mine.  You got to be with me to drink like that, see that ho down there what it look like she drinking?  Water???!!!!?????  See you need to get up on this pimpin’, she drinkin’ that damn Ciroc.  I showed her that, she with me.  You know who drink that, hell no you don’t know who drinks that because I ain’t showed you shit yet.  Puff Diddy be sipping that.  You up here drinking that bullshit, if you with me… THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT, I’m right here.

I see through you, you gonna try and disrespect this pimpin’ to see if I’d correct your ass.  I believe in correction.  I walk around with a this cane and a red ink pen.  Them girls don’t know if I am gonna break this stick off in they ass or write ‘em up for a improper stroll violation.  Yeah, yeah, smile… I like that, yeah, I like that.

Let me sit down over here, hold on… the fuck is she doing?  (Snap/Snap)  Yeah you better had bought that money over here.  I saw you come out the bathroom with that lame ass muh’fucka.  I ain’t even gonna count it, you know I know it better be there.  What you on a break?  Ain’t no time off, I smell money… it’s either in here or out there.  Matter of fact, it’s out there on that street.  You think you slick, yeah it’s nice and warm in here.  Let that cold air be your motivation, it’s nice and warm in the back of lame’s ride.  If you get your ass to work you won’t even be in that cold.  You’d be out there long enough to get in the next muh’fucka’s car.  Step step.

Where the hell is that nigga with my drink!  Huh? I gotta ask about your stank ass drink, if he bring mine he bringing yours.  Yeah, yeah… you gonna try a pimp.  Hey man!  Where that Crown at?  Huh?  I don’t know what the fuck she drinking, that’s your job.  Heh heh… who the fuck I look like Issac.  I ain’t pointed at nobody, not even these ho’s.  Did I point at you?  Nope.  I saw you lookin’ at this pimpin’, that’s where you slipped.  I been seeing you out here, you been trying to do it by yourself.  Rough out here ain’t it, yeah, yeah it is.

Saw you out on that damn track 2 nights ago.  Saw you over on Bishop 4 nights ago.  Shit, I saw you with a Bishop… right after that square left the church, hands all up in his coat.  I even saw you tap them heels fast as hell 5 nights ago, patted a lame muh’fucka on his ass and keep it movin’.  Yeah now you see how far back this pimpin’ go.  I see you, you see me too.  You been seeing me.  I ain’t say this shit here, saw you last night over on 8th.  You last night tried to get away from that po-po last night, that cop hemmed you up, all up in yo’ bag.  You ain’t got no man and you ain’t locked up now, so let me guess you had to finish that nasty ass pig off in the back of his squad.  Yeah, yeah… that’s what you had to do.

See that’s what happens when you walking the wrong way down a one-way street.  See you need guidance, you need direction.  My girls know, muh’fuckin’ cop try to get some head they pay like everyone else.  If he get mad and lock ‘em up what you think happen?  I’ll tell you what happens, I’m talking, they walk they ass into that damn lock up don’t even touch a phone.  The old ass front desk cop, call me before them ho’s even get ink on their fingers.  Then he make another call, order them a two piece, to share until I get down there.  You tryin’ to do this solo… you need management.  What you a free agent?  Who the fuck is you, LeBron James?  You betta make your muh’fuckin’ decision then.  You better pick this here pimpin’!

‘Bout time this damn Crown got here, you fuckin’ up my buzz, slow ass muh’fucka… bet you bust a nut faster than pour a drink.  What the fuck is that you drinkin’ anyway?  Remy?  Oh you drink that brown… you’ll change that.  I keeps my lady on that white, that brown get in your system, all of sudden you think you the pimp up in this bitch.  Yeah that white, both kinds.  Yeah, yeah… you hear me talking now.  You gotta earn it though.  You gotta be on this team though, you have to get up on this pimpin’.  See you drinkin’ too slow, you should half done with that by now.  See we ain’t got time for you to be sippin’.  That’s why you gotta be on that white when you drink.  One go down smooth, the other one make you move.

See I’m tryin’ to help you out, look I gotta be about this money.  I got money out on that street.  Them ho’s got money hangin’ out they ass cheeks right now because I’m here fuckin’ round wit you.  See you ain’t about no money.  How you gonna make money sitting here sippin’ on that yac!  I’m trying to help you out, you can come on with this here pimpin’ or you can sit there and be a busta for the rest of your life.  The choice is yours… oh you leavin’?  I’ll find you, yeah, yeah… I’ll find you.  Bye bitch.

Hey nigga!  How much for these dranks?  12 dollars?  See if I was a square ass muh’fucka I’d complain about how high the drinks are in this dirty ass shack.  Every time I walk out of here I gotta buy a new silk rag to dust off these gators.  Yeah I got this here, money ain’t a problem.  I’m fuckin’ with you joe, you know you my man.  Yeah, yeah… where is that bread at?  The one ho gave me a stack, I had two stacks from them other ho’s…  I was sitting here talking to that one ho and the other ho gave me another stack… the fuuuuck?

Editors note:

She wasn’t a ho… she was a pick pocket.  A good one.


3 thoughts on “The Pimp Monologue

  1. All those likes and no comments, so I’ll make the first. The monologue was dead-on and your depiction of the pimp and the hos felt genuine. Nice job of “getting into character” for your writing–that’s where true talent lies. That, and within your other posts I’ve enjoyed browsing. 😉

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