There are four young men walking this planet that call me uncle. One of them is in Birmingham, Alabama with my little sister, I rarely see him. The other three are closer, across the border in Gary, Indiana. Those are my brother’s sons. The oldest is in college now, he was cool growing up but grew into a pretty boy with an incredible ego, he turned out to be the guy I punched in jaw in college so he would shut the fuck up and leave anytime I walked into room.
Nothing against pretty boys, there is not anything wrong with being an attractive man, I try my best to be an attractive man (shout out to my barber Ike! The best on the South Side… LOW END CRAZY ALL DAY, sorry I’m so Chi sometimes), but when a man feels that he is better than anyone because people think he’s cute, my open hand will find the left side of his face in front of a lot of people. I know my oldest nephew will meet the ‘new me’ and realize how having your air supply cut off by a dude sick of hearing his damn mouth and begin to change his ways. My brother, his father, agrees. This is not about him, arrogant bastard.
My brother’s youngest sons are 9 and 7. The 9-year-old is the most pleasant kid you will ever meet, keeps a smile on his face, he can walk into a room of 15 people stay five minutes and can make everyone feel like he spent all that time with them. He is an incredible kid bright, loves being a big brother, and likes science. Just an awesome nephew makes me happy to be his uncle.
The youngest nephew, everyone says is a little version of me. He is not like I was when I was 7-years-old, he is like me now. He is deceptively smart, makes the honor roll without anyone ever seeing him work. He has comedic timing, something I believe I have, my brother has actually decided to stop taking him around people when someone close them has died. My nephew has no boundaries. My brother stopped by to pay his respects to a friend’s family whose mother died. They walk into the funeral home my brother sees his friend, apologizes for not being able to attend the service later. His friend says that is okay, he appreciates him just stopping by, mostly family would be at her wake. My brother knows exactly the comment the youngest is about to make, and jumps out in action figure slow-mo mode… but cannot make it in time. My nephew says “Wake? I thought she was dead.” Classic.
My brother beat the brakes off of him for that, had to.
My nephew says things I am likely to say, he always looks for the joke, my ‘filter’ is about the same… I let go with a good joke regardless of the situation or if it is proper. Yes I have had many jobs and many meetings with HR.
Last week my nephew did something I have always wanted to do, said I wanted to do it, and said in front of him I wish I could do this. My nephew like me and my brother, hate bullies and do not like to be messed with. We do not let people pick on people, you may not like someone but everyone has the right to feel comfortable. We will let you mess with us longer than we would let you pick on someone else, because we all know there is a limit and once you reach it will make it clear how much we will take. I have choked people, my brother slaps people.
One time a friend of mine and my brothers came to me and said “you need to talk to your brother, he’s been going around slapping dudes. Somebody is going to get his boys one day and run up on him.”
My response: “no they won’t.” There was some silence and confusion I gave more “you said someone is going to get their boys to run up on my brother? For your boys to run up on someone to defend their friend, said friend has to let those friends know why my brother needs to get stomped. It would not even get that far. How can you get your friends to fight someone for you because another man slapped you?”
I would love to see the friends on the other end of that conversation:
“Yeah nigga we boys, we’ll roll with you. What he do? What he do? Huh? Say that again… He slapped you? What you do, not have all his money? Get caught talking to another pimp?”
Last week my nephew had enough from a kid that was had been messing with him. My nephew is in the second grade and this other kid is new to the school this year. The other kids in the school have learned to not mess with my nephew. Playground, this other kid throws rocks, makes jokes about, and picks at my nephew. In class, throws paper, tries to get my nephew in trouble, treats my nephew like he is a straight punk. My nephew has had it, the line was crossed.
He did the thing I have always wanted to do. The thing I have joked about doing in front of him so often, he put it on his ‘To-Do’ list. My nephew stands up, walks over to the other kid and proceeds to flip his desk over! I am proud and jealous. I have always wanted to flip someone’s desk over as a sign of anger and a statement to ‘keep fucking with me if you want to”. Like Bernie Mack once said “it’s gonna be some furniture moving up in here”!
Can you imagine your punk-ass-boss giving you hell day after day, week after week, and you say fuck it! Then flip his desk over. What can he do? Sit there stunned, that is all he can do. Sure he will want you fired, but HR will have to block that because obviously your boss did something that caused you to reach this point. So some time off, therapy, and a transfer to another department is necessary… to avoid a law suit.
Now that my nephew has pulled off the greatest feat in my family’s history, since my great-uncle pistol whipped a restaurant owner for not only making him go to the back door to order his food, but also for giving him cold food. Here is that story, really quick: My great-uncle Abe ordered steak and eggs with toast. Gets his order handed to him through the back door next to the garbage, checks his order, puts the back of his hand on the toast and says “toast cold”. The owner says ‘what’?
“So what, boy get the fuck off my steps”
AND THAT’S HOW HE GOT PISTOL WHIPPED AND HOW MY FAMILY ENDED UP RELOCATING TO THE CHICAGOLAND AREA.
Honestly my wet dream is to approach someone say “toast cold” and then flip over the desk. However, I am resigned to live through my nephew.
I had to ask him, “Hey man, what did the kid do after you flipped his desk over”.
“He did what he was supposed to do, Uncle Rob. He got up out his chair, bent over, and picked it back up.”
Exactly, nephew, exactly.