Happy Black History Month!! Today We Salute… The Candy Lady

The Candy Lady, yes her. She put more smiles on the face of kids then Michael Jackson during a sleepover at Never Land Ranch. She handed out more candy than the creepy neighbor that owned the van with no windows in the back.

Starting off selling penny candy out of her garage, she eventually built her clientele up enough to purchase a glass case to place candy in making it easy for everyone to see what they wanted and making her garage look like a real store.  She also added a picture to hang behind the glass case of the Last Supper, featuring Jesus and Black Apostles… Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Marcus Garvey, Marvin Gaye and other dead Black people with first names beginning with ‘M’.  As the years moved on The Candy Lady was able to purchase the little building at the end of the block opening a “Corner Store” or as we call it “da coh-na sto”.

Ah yes… the Candy Lady’s Corner Store, you never knew how long the chicken had been out but when you did not feel like going 24 blocks to make sure your chicken was fresh and USDA approved she was your girl. The bulk of her business became lottery tickets, loose cigarettes, 40 oz brews, and hot fries… Selling questionable meat just allowed her to be open all day but she still had all the candy you wanted and candy is dandy!

The Candy Lady’s next purchase was the Cadillac she always had her eye on and a bunch of fur coats.  It was good to see someone in your neighborhood doing so well, especially someone as sweet as the Candy Lady. The Candy Lady’s store closed when the DEA discovered she sold some different candy, guess that explains the Cadillac she was rolling ain’t that much damn money is Jolly Ranchers and Chico Stix.  Turns out after the government cut the Candy Lady’s Social Security check she decided to flip her $350 check into more by selling weed.  Having a candy store just allowed her to not look funny sitting in her garage all day as grown men walked up to her all day long while they shook hands twice, looked over their shoulders, and then they ran off.

The Candy Lady went from selling nickel and dime bags, along with candy chews and quarter juices, to moving real weight.  She stopped being a street hustla to supplying the entire east side of town and putting her grandsons to work by tracking down nigga’s that owed her money.  The feds found out the real reason why she bought that glass case with the candy in it was to hide the 15 kilos of uncut that she kept at all times and block people from seeing her youngest grandson kneeled down holding a semi-automatic assault rifle… for when you started trippin’.

Currently serving 40 years of federal time… which at 69 years of age is LIFE!  The DEA said the Candy Lady was responsible for moving over 600 kilo’s of cocaine every year for over 9 years, 8 million dollars in marijuana distribution annually, the deaths of at least 19 gang members, and over $500,000 in payments to dentists by Medicaid to fix cavities for the kids in that neighborhood.  Happy Black History Month to the Candy Lady or as you are known to the youngsters on the block you live today… “02-CI7-9304-DU44-5822”

Happy Black History Month!! Today We Salute… My Big Long Black Chocolate Stereotype

Most things that happen to Black people are based on fears about what people have heard about us.  We are violent, emotional, uneducated, to name a few.  Many are hurtful and have damaged us as a community; people in our community have been killed based on the fears developed from misconceptions.  We have been kept out of institutions of higher learning and locked out of neighborhoods because of misguided beliefs.

Then there is that one ain’t one brotha complaining about, talk about how we all have rhythm and we show you our cousin that couldn’t keep the beat if you put a gun to his momma’s head and said you would blow it off if he pulled a Johnny Gill and clapped a half a second before or after everyone else.  Tell us we all are good at basketball and we will introduce you to our brother that gets picked after the Asian kid for a pick-up game (that’s how Jeremy Lin got so good).  Tell us we all like chicken and we show you our vegetarian cousin with the dread locks that eats organic foods and is skeptical about even eating tofu as a source of protein.  Tell us we all have big …. And we smile and say ‘well… heh… heh… heh’ (That’s me laughing).

So today on this day in Black History Month we thank you for the stereotype we ain’t marched against.  We hold on to this stereotype and thank you for sharing with everyone.  It helps that the only one’s of ours you have ever seen was the 6’7” basketball player your school recruited that walked around the locker room with his towel over his shoulder after he got out the shower.  If you have seen a little one on a brotha, what are you going to say?  You will sound like you spend your time at your gym hanging out by the lockers… looking to see if the myth of the Black man is true.  Freakin’ perv!

I don’t know if curiosity really killed the cat, but it did get it laid.  When a brotha gets to college he can smell the fascination from across the cafeteria.  You hinted at it so much, that Becky the Farm Girl, that has only seen Black people on television before getting to the University of We Here Too, wonders about it for months maybe even a couple of years that by the time her junior year rolls around she has the numbers for every football player that wears his hair in dreds or braids in her iPhone.  Then before you know it, you have a young lady that is going way too far out of her way to disappoint her daddy, heh… heh… heh…

Call us every ignorant thing you can come up with, every name you dream of, you put a stereotype on us that by the time it comes to prove if we measure up to it… who cares if we don’t we’re both here now and the lights are off.  Talk about us not having the tools, you then have to get into a conversation of why you were with us to begin with.  There is an entire division in the porn industry dedicated to the myth of the Black man. I can hear frat boys looking at those sites screaming “COME ON!!! THEY ALL CAN’T BE THAT BIG!” heh… heh… heh…

Black men could scream about a lot of things, we could scream every moment of our waking life.  No role models, poor prospects for a job, limited opportunities, if it wasn’t this big cock you say we have we really would be pissed.  Ever wonder why a trust fund kid says something to a brotha and the brotha doesn’t pop him upside his head?  Outside of police coming faster than a 22-year-old virgin, we generally appreciate this one stereotype.  The next time that brotha sees the guy, that he should have crushed, he almost feels obligated to thank him.  All the stereotypes he hurled about Black guys made his girlfriend slip the brotha her number with a message beneath it “I just wanna know if it’s true”.

Happy Black History Month to the stereotype we like!  It is nice to walk around with a mythical being tucked away beneath your saggin’ jeans.  I hate to cut this short, not something us Black guys usually do.  Let me hurry up and get out of here…  About to head over to a Black History Month celebration in honor of the movie Mandingo on campus, I need to shower, throw on some clothes, and toss my dick over my shoulder before I head out.  Heh… heh… heh…

Happy Black History Month!! In Memorium

As we approach the end of Black History Month we need to take time to pay tribute to and take a moment of silence for those no longer around.

Philadelphia soul man the late great Harold Melvin

West Coast Hip Hop pioneer DJ Yella

All time great football player Terrell Owens

Former Republican candidate for President of the United States Herman Cain

Herman Cain’s hoes

Tiger Woods inside a winner’s circle

The careers of actors after starring in Tyler Perry movies

Mya… after she turned 30

Big Tigger, A.J and Free

The NBA Slam Dunk competition

Jesse Jackson’s integrity

Self respect and Pride

Leroy from “The Last Dragon”

Black on Black love

Job opportunities for people with names ending in –niqua

Positive role models

Your pops!

Pelle Pelle gear

Juan Williams at Republican debates

The Old Spice guy

Money that is suppose to go to your church building fund

African American families on major network television

Steve Harvey’s hair, wigs, and hats

Accepting collect calls from nigga’s in the joint

Writing letter’s to nigga’s locked up in the joint

The careers of everyone in Destiny’s Child not named Beyonce

We take a moment of silence for all of you… MOMENT OVER!

Happy Black History Month!! Basketball, Rap, and Selling Crack

Today we honor the only three things a Black man can hope to find success in growing up in the hood… Basketball, Record Deals, and Crack sells.  Who in the hell do we think we are fooling?  Let’s be real, when was the last time you saw a 12-year-old Black kid say when he grows up he wants to be a CPA… NEVER!  Balla, Rappa, Hustla… IN THAT ORDER!  The only things celebrated on BET.

Hey you gotta get paid somehow, until there is a government program giving out free Nike’s a brotha has to figure out how to make that gwop (that is ‘street’ for money to all my Republican friends and anyone that is over the age 25 and does not work with kids all damn day).  In the words of the Notorious B.I.G. ‘either you slinging crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot’.  Because the dream is the life, you don’t care how you get the money to afford the life as long as you get to live it.

Ball players, rappers, and drug dealers tend to run in the same circles even if on different levels.  The NBA player’s money is guaranteed, when the 6’7” guy that averaged 18.3 points, 5.5 assists, and 4.5 rebounds over the last 3 years signs a 4-year $38 million dollar contract, he will see all 38 of them milli’s!  The rapper may get a half a million advance but if you don’t like his songs he doesn’t go on tour.  The rapper gets paid from performing; only a few guys in hip-hop are really making money when a rapper gets a show he is guaranteed to make money that night.  For the crack dealer, ain’t a damn thing guaranteed.

So the ball players throw the party and hire the rappers to perform at the party so they get to hang out.  The crack dealer can afford to buy tickets and a VIP table to the ball players party… if they don’t get pulled over by the Feds on their way to the party, ain’t a nothing guaranteed for him not even a 15 minute drive downtown.  The crack dealer can usually crack the inner circle of the balla and the rapper by, getting weed to the ball player (dude’s in the L smoke a lot of weed, trust me on this one), bringing X-pills for the trifling broads hanging out so they now have something to blame the freaky things they were going to do anyway on.  A gram or two of coke for the rapper… yep coke, when you see a rapper smoking a joint it is because he has an interview on TV or morning radio in ten minutes and needs to come down from the coke he was tootin’ that boy all night long.

Hood stars, the guys in the hood that get all the attention.  The basketball player gets the girls he got grown women in the 10th grade, the dope man has a FINE girl the only thing he is guaranteed, and the rapper… well they get a girl once they get a contract.  The life is about the women, you need the clothes, cars, and jewelry to attract the women.  You need the money to get the clothes, cars, jewelry and to keep the women.  So when you see basketball player that does not get drafted and has no other options because he never learned to read, when you see a guy with an incredible flow but unfortunately he turned 30 before he could sign his name to a record deal, and when you see a drug dealer’s laid out in the middle of street unrecognizable from the 39 bullets to his upper body… blame women.

So on this the 26th day in February, the day the NBA is having their All Star game (you thought it was a coincidence the NBA had this event in February?  Oh no, this is event on the Black Calendar… I once heard someone say “it’s more nigga’s at NBA All-Star weekend than in college”) we salute the 3 things that you see most during All-Star weekend, basketball players, rappers, and dope dealers.  Unfortunately you also saw a lot of boring dunks this year, but that is NOT the fault of women.  Happy Black History Month to hopes and dreams as limited as they may be.

Happy Black History Month!!! Today We Salute 3 White People

Even with all the accomplishments Black people have made, much of it could not be done without the assistance of White people.  So today we honor 3 random White people…  This is our version of Affirmative Action.

Abraham Lincoln, waking up one morning with a horrible hangover, after a night of drinking and joking around with his buddies and avoiding his wife.  Instead of going into his bedroom, where he would have to deal with his wife he walked into the Oval Office and decided to sleep there.  The next morning with that hangover and very little clue to what happened the previous night President Lincoln sat at his desk read the headline on the newspaper and screamed “I freed the WHAT!” This was the start of many things Black people could blame on the a/a/a/alcohol.

Jim Smith a printer in Mount Vernon, New York was well known and popular among people making things happen and planning events.  He was the first person anyone went to when you needed to get the right promotional stuff out and let the hood know that you had something they needed to be at.  One day the equipment he used to print concert posters stopped working properly and would be days to have it repaired or replaced.  The letters L, I, and S would not show up on anything he needed to print up and those are three very important letters in the English language…  just take a look at Wheel of Fortune, they just give you those three letters now days. He still printed the posters out but with some changes.  ‘Big Dave and His Intelligent Black Men’ became ‘Heavy D & The Boyz’ starting an era in hip hop where misspelled words and borderline ignorance became the norm.

Orville Redenbacher…  Yep him!  How does he get celebrated?  Let us tell you and it is not because we prefer to put hot sauce on his popcorn more than any other.  While Orville Redenbacher was getting his business going in Northern Indiana he would take trips to Chicago selling his popcorn and building a name for his business.  One day while on the Southside of Chicago a young Calypso singer yelled at Orville “Hey Cracker! Nice bow tie!” that singer became Louis Farrakhan leader of the Black Muslim Movement… Orville Redenbacher popcorn giant and fashion consultant to the Nation of Islam.

Happy Black History Month White People!!!!  Sorry about the use of the word ‘cracker’, please let us keep our month.

Happy Black History Month!!! Today We Salute… The Church Announcement Lady

The Church Announcement Lady… Oh we love her and her hat. She may not know your name unless you are on the ‘sick and shut in list’, or if she swears you rolled your eyes at her… once. She is the only person in the church that can put a five dollar bill into the collection plate and take out her change.

The Church Announcement Lady sits on every committee that makes up any rule the church has, although the rules never apply to her.  Like the one about arriving to church on time, but if circumstances keep you from arriving at the start please enter quietly and find the first available seat.  The Church Announcement Lady wrote that rule and announces it once a month.  She holds you to it, which would be cool if she wasn’t always 5 minutes late and if you are in her seat, she tells you “you in my seat” and then points to an available one in the back of the church that she just walked past.  That is your fault though, everyone knows that is her seat, people not only don’t sit in it, they don’t sit in the one’s next to it.

You may not care for her much, but I bet your kids act right when she walks into the room, because she spanks, and if you ever question her on why she put her hands on your kids she will tell you about your lack of parenting skills.  Then she goes into a long story about ‘back when’ she was growing up.  Which makes everyone wonder… how old is this chick?  She has a story about every pew, deacon, and pastor the church has ever had like she was there when it happened and the church was founded in 1892.

Really Church Announcement Lady we love and we you know not to sit in your seat, the one on the 2nd row, to the right, near the window, close to the exit because you always have to hurry up and get home because you left your beans on.  Can you do us a favor?  Not wear hats so big nobody sitting behind you can see the soloist.  Speaking of the soloist… let her sing, stop taking over everybody’s song you can’t sing.  That was rude; there is a better way of putting that so you know how you sound… you ever heard a cat in heat during the middle of the night?  Yeah that’s you.  One more thing, if you gonna wear knee highs with flats… can you roll them all the way up to your knee?  That just looks weird to see your knees between a floral dress and roll of stockings.  Happy Black History Month to you, especially since you have been around for much of it.

Happy Black History Month!! Today We Salute… Our 1%

Today I would like to take time and personally thank the 1% in the Black community.  Our 1% is not like the country’s 1%, our 1 Percent’ers are making a difference.  We all must thank EVERY person that is working everyday to make our communities better places for our kids, our grandparents and for us all. All of you deserve acknowledgement… Thank you and thank you too.  Both of you are doing an underwhelming job of changing our neighborhoods.

Two people, yep that’s all.  Where ever you go across the country in any Black community you will find both of them.  One of them creates a community garden so everyone can pick fresh herbs and ripe tomatoes, organizes a day to clean up the park or the main street.  They go and check on the sick neighbors and bring them food.  If something horrible happens in the community and news camera’s show up, they speak glowingly of the good in the community while providing factual information around the incident that attracted the news crews to show up to the block.

What do they get for their efforts?  The day the community garden was to open up, everyone walks out to find the garden has already been raided by the people in the community.  Nobody knows who did it, but everyone talks about how good their “fried green tomatoes are going to taste tonight”.  The day to clean up the park or the street… nobody shows up.  While out cleaning the garbage out the street the police show up and issue them a citation for not obtaining a permit from the city to be in the street and then union reps representing the workers that should be doing the work show up yelling at the good-heartened citizen about how they are taking dollars out the pockets of city workers that need their jobs.

The day to clean up the park, well that went fine only problem was as soon as they finished cleaning the school let out across the street and all the kids walked through leaving candy wrappers and empty bags of Cheeto’s Flaming Hots behind them… the exact amount of garbage they took 7 hours picking up and then they started shooting.  Checking on the sick neighbor… on the way out got robbed by someone that sounded a lot like the sick person’s bad-ass grandson for the little bit of cash they had left after they went grocery shopping for the food to prepare the meal that was prepared.  Never made it to the news that night, but you guys know this one… the producers at Channel Zero decided to use the footage of foolish toothless person that “seen’t ERR-THANG”.

The other person that does good in the neighborhood, by trying to keep the community safe, is truly trying to make a difference.  They refuse to live in fear, believe that senior citizens should not hide in their homes after 4:00 PM, believe every child’s life is special and should not be taken down by a senseless act of violence.  So they take time to organize a neighborhood watch, tell the police of anything they heard, and tell their neighbors what to ‘look out for’.  They tell gangbangers to get off of their street, show up to court to testify against those they witnessed commit crimes.  Promote positive activities for the neighborhood kids to take part in so gang leaders cannot recruit those kids to join their sets.  This one person has no fear and once stood in front of a gunman trying to shoot a child for not having money he owed him and defiantly said “you gonna have to shoot me too”.  That person, that brave soul in our community… well they had a beautiful funeral and that night on the news the toothless fool actually shed a tear for them as she repeatedly cried “WHYYYYYYYYY” in front of a live shot on the 10 o’clock Channel Zero news.

Happy Black History Month to the African-American 1%, unfortunately in our community it is the 99% that is holding YOU down.  We honor and respect both and you can say without a moment of doubt when questioned about the condition of your community… “it ain’t my fault”. Happy Black History Month to one of you… RIP to the other one!  We put your picture on a T-shirt and had a bar-b-que at the park in your honor; right after the other good-hearted person had just cleaned it up.  We would have cleaned up after we were through, but they started shooting.