The Church Announcement Lady… Oh we love her and her hat. She may not know your name unless you are on the ‘sick and shut in list’, or if she swears you rolled your eyes at her… once. She is the only person in the church that can put a five dollar bill into the collection plate and take out her change.
The Church Announcement Lady sits on every committee that makes up any rule the church has, although the rules never apply to her. Like the one about arriving to church on time, but if circumstances keep you from arriving at the start please enter quietly and find the first available seat. The Church Announcement Lady wrote that rule and announces it once a month. She holds you to it, which would be cool if she wasn’t always 5 minutes late and if you are in her seat, she tells you “you in my seat” and then points to an available one in the back of the church that she just walked past. That is your fault though, everyone knows that is her seat, people not only don’t sit in it, they don’t sit in the one’s next to it.
You may not care for her much, but I bet your kids act right when she walks into the room, because she spanks, and if you ever question her on why she put her hands on your kids she will tell you about your lack of parenting skills. Then she goes into a long story about ‘back when’ she was growing up. Which makes everyone wonder… how old is this chick? She has a story about every pew, deacon, and pastor the church has ever had like she was there when it happened and the church was founded in 1892.
Really Church Announcement Lady we love and we you know not to sit in your seat, the one on the 2nd row, to the right, near the window, close to the exit because you always have to hurry up and get home because you left your beans on. Can you do us a favor? Not wear hats so big nobody sitting behind you can see the soloist. Speaking of the soloist… let her sing, stop taking over everybody’s song you can’t sing. That was rude; there is a better way of putting that so you know how you sound… you ever heard a cat in heat during the middle of the night? Yeah that’s you. One more thing, if you gonna wear knee highs with flats… can you roll them all the way up to your knee? That just looks weird to see your knees between a floral dress and roll of stockings. Happy Black History Month to you, especially since you have been around for much of it.