Happy Black History Month!! In Memorium

As we approach the end of Black History Month we need to take time to pay tribute to and take a moment of silence for those no longer around.

Philadelphia soul man the late great Harold Melvin

West Coast Hip Hop pioneer DJ Yella

All time great football player Terrell Owens

Former Republican candidate for President of the United States Herman Cain

Herman Cain’s hoes

Tiger Woods inside a winner’s circle

The careers of actors after starring in Tyler Perry movies

Mya… after she turned 30

Big Tigger, A.J and Free

The NBA Slam Dunk competition

Jesse Jackson’s integrity

Self respect and Pride

Leroy from “The Last Dragon”

Black on Black love

Job opportunities for people with names ending in –niqua

Positive role models

Your pops!

Pelle Pelle gear

Juan Williams at Republican debates

The Old Spice guy

Money that is suppose to go to your church building fund

African American families on major network television

Steve Harvey’s hair, wigs, and hats

Accepting collect calls from nigga’s in the joint

Writing letter’s to nigga’s locked up in the joint

The careers of everyone in Destiny’s Child not named Beyonce

We take a moment of silence for all of you… MOMENT OVER!

Happy Black History Month!! Basketball, Rap, and Selling Crack

Today we honor the only three things a Black man can hope to find success in growing up in the hood… Basketball, Record Deals, and Crack sells.  Who in the hell do we think we are fooling?  Let’s be real, when was the last time you saw a 12-year-old Black kid say when he grows up he wants to be a CPA… NEVER!  Balla, Rappa, Hustla… IN THAT ORDER!  The only things celebrated on BET.

Hey you gotta get paid somehow, until there is a government program giving out free Nike’s a brotha has to figure out how to make that gwop (that is ‘street’ for money to all my Republican friends and anyone that is over the age 25 and does not work with kids all damn day).  In the words of the Notorious B.I.G. ‘either you slinging crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot’.  Because the dream is the life, you don’t care how you get the money to afford the life as long as you get to live it.

Ball players, rappers, and drug dealers tend to run in the same circles even if on different levels.  The NBA player’s money is guaranteed, when the 6’7” guy that averaged 18.3 points, 5.5 assists, and 4.5 rebounds over the last 3 years signs a 4-year $38 million dollar contract, he will see all 38 of them milli’s!  The rapper may get a half a million advance but if you don’t like his songs he doesn’t go on tour.  The rapper gets paid from performing; only a few guys in hip-hop are really making money when a rapper gets a show he is guaranteed to make money that night.  For the crack dealer, ain’t a damn thing guaranteed.

So the ball players throw the party and hire the rappers to perform at the party so they get to hang out.  The crack dealer can afford to buy tickets and a VIP table to the ball players party… if they don’t get pulled over by the Feds on their way to the party, ain’t a nothing guaranteed for him not even a 15 minute drive downtown.  The crack dealer can usually crack the inner circle of the balla and the rapper by, getting weed to the ball player (dude’s in the L smoke a lot of weed, trust me on this one), bringing X-pills for the trifling broads hanging out so they now have something to blame the freaky things they were going to do anyway on.  A gram or two of coke for the rapper… yep coke, when you see a rapper smoking a joint it is because he has an interview on TV or morning radio in ten minutes and needs to come down from the coke he was tootin’ that boy all night long.

Hood stars, the guys in the hood that get all the attention.  The basketball player gets the girls he got grown women in the 10th grade, the dope man has a FINE girl the only thing he is guaranteed, and the rapper… well they get a girl once they get a contract.  The life is about the women, you need the clothes, cars, and jewelry to attract the women.  You need the money to get the clothes, cars, jewelry and to keep the women.  So when you see basketball player that does not get drafted and has no other options because he never learned to read, when you see a guy with an incredible flow but unfortunately he turned 30 before he could sign his name to a record deal, and when you see a drug dealer’s laid out in the middle of street unrecognizable from the 39 bullets to his upper body… blame women.

So on this the 26th day in February, the day the NBA is having their All Star game (you thought it was a coincidence the NBA had this event in February?  Oh no, this is event on the Black Calendar… I once heard someone say “it’s more nigga’s at NBA All-Star weekend than in college”) we salute the 3 things that you see most during All-Star weekend, basketball players, rappers, and dope dealers.  Unfortunately you also saw a lot of boring dunks this year, but that is NOT the fault of women.  Happy Black History Month to hopes and dreams as limited as they may be.

Happy Black History Month!! Today We Salute… BET

Today we celebrate BET and their inspirational programming… hold on, I threw up on my keyboard a little.  Let me wipe it clean, ;lkhjuyjikol;.,lmkjnbhujik

Okay, back to Black Entertainment Television, nice name.  Not an accurate name, but nice, there is nothing entertaining about it and what they consider Black borders on slightly embarrassing and a waste of talent.  I would rather see Malcolm Jamal-Warner selling oranges on the side of an expressway than watch him rot away on one more episode of Reed Between the Lines.  Only BET could take a good concept for a sitcom featuring a Black family and remove the humor and soul from it.  Some things should be left to ABC or CBS… only if they were interested in Black talent.  Sadly, you are our only hope for uplifting programming that features people who look like us.

To your credit BET, you have worked hard to avoid any drama you use to constantly associate yourself with and that can be called… progress?  Instead of being a ‘music video’ network, you decided to focus on actual programming, poorly, but you focused on it anyway.  Today on BET is mostly reruns of decent Black comedies, hood movies, and on Sundays 4 to 6 hours of Chit’lin circuit plays featuring talented Black actors dying slowly in front of our eyes.  Gone are 17 hours of videos, with one hour of ‘Black news’, followed by an hour of bad comedy, to be topped off with an hour of ‘mature’ music videos meant for adults but kids watched all the time… 3 hours of infomercials a half an hour of Joyce Meyers and Joel Osteen ministries each and back to videos.  I miss the days when the only advertisements you had were that “Rough Side of the Mountain” Gospel compilation “WHO IN THE HELL LEFT THE GATE OPEN” and the classic “Hey Love” compilation that featured 3 Black couple belly rubbing in a living room listening to an actual record (no 3 Black couples actually did that)… “Hey man you got to let me borrow that?”, say it with me people…  “NO MY BROTHER!  YOU GOT TO GET YOUR OWN”.

How we miss the days of The Mayor of Rap City, pushing the envelope and providing a space for the voiceless to have their say.  We think we miss when you were introducing artists, comics, and covering events that were impacting our community.  We think we miss these things, but as the network that ‘represents’ what is good in our community if you are not showing it to us, we must not really miss it.  Who are we to crave substance and credibility?  You keep telling us what we must like.

You are an equal opportunity employer as well; you will make anyone famous, even if they do not have talent.  After joining Def Comedy Jam to introduce great comics to us.  When Russell Simmons realized that the talent was running thin on good Black comics, they shut down production where as you let every hack in the world fly out to any place you were filming gave them five minutes and paid them nothing for their efforts.  Even repeatedly airing their material and not offering them one cent in residuals, nice.  Your pimp game is strong!  It took white comics like Jerry Seinfeld to ask for comics to boycott your shows until you paid your comics fairly.  When you finally agreed to pay at ‘scale’ you finally went the Def Jam route and shut down.  Although, you claim to have made more Black people millionaires… outside of the NBA.  It is always nice to see Black people play into a stereotype, now that’s progress!

We must give you credit for the one thing you do well, the BET Awards.  You do know an awards show is not about the awards but about the music and the performances.  Unfortunately, you let untalented people walk onto your stage and treat them like they are selling records like Prince in 1983.  You are like Jesse Jackson, supposedly our voice but nobody remembers selecting you to speak for us.  We have come to accept that you will reward those that limit our culture, you are not Fox News you have never claimed to be fair and balanced.  August Wilson, arguably one of the greatest play writes Black or White of the 20th Century, passed away without a blip from you.  Even though his plays launched the careers of many of our finest actors, including Denzel Washington, but if Tyler Perry died we know you will shut down what you call programming all week-long in memory of great American writer/director/activist… I am sorry, I threw up on my keyboard again.  A lot this time, let me wipe this off again, ‘[;phyjumgtfbvnhjmhjmhjmhjmhjmhjmhjmhjmhjmbjuki9867yugtbhjnuikmo897yuhjni9 043oilk-09.  Sorry about that.

Only you BET can present a show saying how much Black women rock right after airing 3 hours of videos where women walk around in G-strings, bouncing up and down around rappers lip-synching songs talking about how much they do not respect them. We all love that you tell our young men they can be more than rappers & felons then make Lil Wayne’s release from jail “breaking news”. Thanks BET for… All you do?  Oh Lord… I threw up again!!!  P’7yukjiop-0897uiljko09iojfhyupio6y89iojp0899709uiogjpu089yioj  Actually that is really symbolic… BET has been throwing up vomit on our community for over 15 years now.  Happy Black History Month BET!  Are you guys doing anything special for it this year?

Happy Black History Month!!! Today We Salute… Jeremy Lin (yes he is everywhere)

We are gonna get it lin today!  Not ‘in’, Lin… as in Jeremy Lin.  Yes Jeremy Lin is everywhere; he has even invaded Black History Month celebrations.  Sure he has obviously spent a lot of time with brothas, next time you see him being interviewed, close your eyes for a few seconds… sounds like he is from your local projects.  One chick thinks he is Black:

4.2 GPA coming out of high school raised in Palo Alto, California, Harvard educated… Asian!  This dude sounds more like your next boss, not like the franchise altering point guard the Knicks have been looking for since Earl “the Pearl” Monroe’s knees gave him the finger way back in 1980.

We celebrate Jeremy Lin because he did what rap music couldn’t do, he did what Wesley Snipes’ action films could not do, Kobe tried his best to do… he is making Asian kids put random B.S. in front of their education.  We miscalculated; we got our Latino brother’s and Latina sisters rolling real hard with us in the hood.  If you are from an island living in Florida or New York City, you live near us and face the same issues we do.  Thanks to N.W.A. we were able to get White kids to start calling each other nigga and that was before Eminem.  We could not figure out how to get Asian kids to start lowering their standards.  We sent Michael Jackson over there to get them to lower their standards, they put on the ‘zipper’ jacket and the one glove learned how to moon walk but that was as far as they were willing to go.

We thought hip-hop had a chance, when we realized there was a fondness of early 90’s rap music we sent A Tribe Called Quest over on so many tours that they ended up picking up on styles of Asian cultures.  Not what we wanted, that was supposed to work in the other direction.  We even stepped up our hip-hop attack on Asia, let’s go harder!  We sent 50 Cent over on a media blitz that had not been seen since the Clinton administration tried to do ‘damage control’ after an unwashed blue dress was shown to a reporter.  Fiddy, as Jeremy Lin likes to call him, became a promotional darling in Asian countries making so much cash over there he may have paid more in taxes to Japan and China from 2004-2007 than he did to the US.  Damn they are slick!  We sent our secret weapon over there and he ended up working for them.

All of sudden Kobe Bryant began to appear as a cultural phenomenon and we were realized “basketball is our way in, we missed our chance with Jordan let’s seize the Kobe moment”!  We were even caught by surprise with Kobe, yeah he was known we had no idea that China was crazy about Kobe Bean.  Chinese citizens flooded USA Basketball games chanting “KOBE, KOBE, KOBE”… yes this is our chance no Black man has gotten this much love from another race since pre-murder OJ and Kobe had possibly raped a White woman (allegedly… allegedly!  I want to make that point clear, after his wife ran off with half his cash and all his houses; he may be in suing mood.  IDIOT ALWAYS MAKE HER SIGN THE PRENUPTUAL, I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER!!!).  We were half right, right sport… wrong guy.

I hear what you are saying, yes there was Yao Ming but his work was to influence us.  His check went directly to the Chinese government, and then to him, he knew where his bread was buttered.  He made the Olympics in China possible he was worth hundreds of millions to the Republic of China.  We still did not see how to find our way into Asian cultures.  We tried, Beyonce didn’t work, Obama damn sure ain’t work for us over there… Michael Jackson died before we could roll him out there again for another try.

Then on February 4, 2012, at the beginning of Black History Month ironically, are secret weapon revealed himself to us.  Dropping 25 points and 7 dimes on the Nets, he then went out and ran through a few more teams until he finally hung 38 points on Kobe Bean proving he was the ‘chosen one’ and fittingly killing Kobe’s hopes of Asian dominance.  We had the guy we needed to make Asian people everywhere put down the books and pick up something that will surround them with some ignorance finally.

Jeremy Lin has made hanging out with brotha’s look cool.  Jeremy Lin hit the winning 3-pointer against the Toronto Raptors and the Knicks bench exploded.  The last time you saw that many brotha’s celebrating with an Asian kid was win Jin was killing it on 106 and Park and announced he signed with the Ruff Ryders (you thought I was gonna say something about a math competition, didn’t you?  You racist bastard!).  Now Asian kids are embracing their blackness and things brotha’s do.  Think I am making this up?  I work at a Museum in Chicago, today every Asian kid I saw in the place had on a basketball jersey, any basketball jersey… that would have been enough but they all gave me that ‘whassup’ head nod too!  It’s on!  Of course this is not about the entire Asian community, just the women.

Once all Asians see blackness as cool, Asian women may start dating a brotha, then another brotha.  Seriously, the only known Asian women to marry a Black man are the one’s ready to get of Korea in the 50’s and Dave Chappelle’s wife.  THANK YOU JEREMY LIN!!!!  You have achieved something no Black man has ever been able to do and I am not just talking about effectively run Mike D’Antoni’s offense (outside of you, only Steve Nash has been able to pull off the pick & roll properly for him).  Happy Black History Month to you and US!!!!

Happy Black History Month!!! Today We Salute… Irene Gibson

It is always wonderful when we can recognize individuals, those people that made such strides in their field that they inspired others.  Today we get to recognize such a person, Irene Gibson did not invent the Stank Ass Attitude but she did perfect it.  Call her what you want to, just don’t do it to her face or too early in the morning.  She was not the first person to give you a ‘mmm hmmm’, snap their finger when trying to get your attention, or laugh so loud it popped your eardrums but nobody ever did it better.  Her ‘neck roll’ was so fierce; people swore they could hear it over the phone!

Her attitude was absolutely nasty, she first rolled her eyes at the tender age of 3 at her minister because he said she “looked nice too” after he told another little girl she was ‘looking really cute today’.  The minister had to take five minutes out of the service to pray for little Irene, however this only made her feel justified in her actions.  From that day on, Irene Gibson knew it was important to show-your-ass anytime you felt like it… and she did.

In high school, one day, she wore a mini-skirt so short when she bent over you could see her throat.  When asked to report to the Principal’s Office regarding her inappropriate dress and that she needed to go home and change, young Miss Irene (Ms. Gibson, because she’s nasty) ran the principal DOWN…

“uh uh no you di’nt tell me to go change any of my clothes.  You don’t look nothing like my daddy!  You got the receipt for this skirt… hell I look good!  You wish your wife looked this good.  You wish them skank ass looking daughters of yours looked THIS good.  Your son know I look good, speaking of your son, can you tell him to stop calling me, with his cheap ass… and another thang Principal Don’t Know A Damn Thing About Nothing, you shouldn’t be telling anybody anything with your fowl ass breath.  Here’s a tic-tac put it in your mouth and shut the hell up.  Now you got me late for Ms. Mitchell’s class and you know I can’t stand that heffa and that heffa can’t stand me.  You betta hope to God in the sky she don’t say nothing to me.  If she do when I get done telling her about herself I will be back here to make sure you finished that tic-tac and give you directions to buy your own.  Are we through?”  Then she switched out the office, leaving the door open behind her, a classic stank-ass move.

Once when her manager asked if she could stay an extra 15 minutes to discuss a project she was leading.  Irene made Stanky history with her reply “Hell to the N’aw” giving stank-ass women and women having a ‘stank-ass moment’ a motto. Gon’ girl!!  As far as we know, Irene Gibson is the only person in history to get out of a traffic ticket by cussing a cop out… DAMN THAT’S STANKY!

Today we recognize the always pissed Irene Gibson and the `Stank Ass Attitude`.   Thanks to Ms. Gibson, what was once confined to the main office of any school you walked into, the customer service desk of department stores and Help Desk of your insurance company, stank-ass people are now free to share their misdirected anger and permanent “something stink” face with the world.  Because of her, online degrees, and the American’s with Disabilities Act of 1990 the stank-ass attitude is everywhere you go.  Here’s to you Irene Gibson, with your stank-ass self… as if you care.  I can hear you saying “I don’t givva fuhhk about being honored” right now.

Happy Black History Month!!! Today We Salute… A 2-Piece With A Biscuit

The 2 piece with a biscuit sounds so simple, two pieces of chicken with a biscuit but it is so much more than that.  It can bring a smile to the faces of many Black people; it can also get you cut.  Touch the second piece of chicken in a 2-piece without it being offered to you and things will turn into a Daniel Day-Lewis movie… There will be blood.

If you are not familiar with a 2-piece with a biscuit let me tell the rules that go along with it, yes rules!  A 2-piece with a biscuit is a very serious thing in our community:

Rule #1:  Two wings do not make up a 2-piece.  Wings don’t even come that small in the hood, the fewest wings you can buy is three.  The only thing that has two wings on the block are birds.

Rule #2:  That better be a buttermilk biscuit!  I swear on my granddaddy’s grave if their ain’t no buttermilk in that biscuit I am going to drive by your establishment and throw it through your store window as you start to lockup for the night.

Rule #3:  If you give me a roll instead of a biscuit, first of all I better be at Church’s Chicken and second I have the right to choke you out in the middle of the street.

Rule #4:  It can’t be two legs unless I ask you for two legs.  If you give me two legs, without me requesting it, I will eat one of them while you fry me up the breast that was suppose to go with it in the first place… that is after you remove the leg I never asked for up out your ass!

Rule #5:  Acceptable 2-piece combinations; leg and thigh, leg and wing (but we will look at you like “that’s fucked up, man”, wing and thigh, a breast with any combination of other piece of chicken is choice.  However, if you give us two chicken breasts we will assume either the chicken is going bad and you hope that since I have two big pieces of chicken that will make me look past that funny smell coming from them or you are sleeping with my woman and figure the least you can do is give me some more chicken.

Rule #6:  NO COLESLAW!!!  This ain’t a 2-piece dinner man!  The 2-piece with a biscuit is ghetto finger food, we do not need to bring utensils into the transaction.

Rule #7:  The 2-piece with a biscuit should be ready within 3 minutes of ordering.  Long enough to bag it and slide it through that sliding plexiglass window, that protects you from being robbed and the occasional 1 in the morning shoot out.

The 2-piece with a biscuit is the perfect meal; as long as the meat is cooked all the way through we ain’t complaining about it.  Complaints start when you introduce more to the 2-piece with a biscuit.  Give a brotha a 3-piece dinner, you will hear a complaint.  Give him 3 chicken breasts, “I can’t eat all this”.  Give him 2 thighs and a leg, “cheap muhthafucka, all this damn dark meat… really?”  Get the chicken right, there will be something wrong with the sides. The cold side dish,   “I ain’t eating that damn potato salad… I don’t know who made it”.  Spaghetti as a side dish, “my momma told me, you don’t eat nobody’s spaghetti except yo’ mamas and your wife’s”.  Take away the biscuit and add bread, “this hard ass piece of bread, you can slide this shit across the floor and play hockey with it”!

Dr. Daniel Hale Williams an African American surgeon who performed the first heart surgery, on Chicago’s Southside, should have thanked the 2-piece with a biscuit.  The combination of the 2-piece drenched in mild sauce with a biscuit on the side made heart surgery necessary on the Southside to begin with… Way to go Harold’s Chicken Shack, way to go!  But this is about the chicken today, Dr. Williams, you have been celebrated for years and Harold’s Chicken I celebrate you at least 3 times a month!  With that said… to the one thing universally agreed upon in Black communities this is for you. We could not agree on 2Pac or BIG, Prince or Michael, Kobe or Lebron… Heck the 5 Heartbeats could not agree on Flash or Eddie Cain Jr. But from Harlem to Houston’s 5th Ward, Chicago to Charlotte, A-Town to South Central LA we agree on a 2-piece with a biscuit.  Let the church say… amen!

Happy Black History Month!!! Today We Salute… The Maury Povich Show

Always more comforting to see someone else embarrass themselves while eventually becoming the laughing-stock of whatever small town in Arkansas, they must come from. The Maury Povich Show has caught more men in lies than a prosecuting attorney.  Maury is an equal opportunity, opportunist we can all agree the show is much more fun when Black people are on it.

The ‘cut-away’ where one of the guests are taped saying whatever they want to say about the person that bought them on the show is always a delight.  The degradation of women by the men is usually reserved to an NWA song.  This is always made better when the mother or current girlfriend of the man is right behind him looking like hype man, the only thing missing is a clock hanging from their neck and an occasional ‘yeeeeahhh boyeeee’.  The woman escorting the man to the show is never more attractive than the woman he use to date and usually outweighs the ex-girlfriend by exactly 122 lbs.  Proving these men have never been told, “if you are gonna cheat… you do not fuck down, you fuck up”.

When the mother escorts her son to the taping of the show, the mother always takes over the cut-away segment.  The looks in the mother’s eyes are similar to the look of the dominant inmate during a brutal prison shower rape and it will end in a similar fashion, in tears with someone’s ass torn up.  The son is always in the back mouthing either ‘help me’ or ‘I still love you, help me’.  The mother’s never believe anything the lying tramp said and freely tells all she ‘heard’ about who the little heffa has been sleeping with.  LOVE IT!

For the record, not every question answered turns out to be a lie but every man is caught in a lie.  No man is going to pass the ‘have you ever thought about sleeping with another woman’ question.  No man can pass the questions:

  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend?”
  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with your girlfriend’s cousin?”
  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with your girlfriend’s sister?”
  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with your girlfriend’s enemy?”
  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with your girlfriend’s mother?”
  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with any combination of your girlfriend’s relatives, friends, enemies, neighbors, co-workers, Facebook friends?”

No man can pass those questions without being really good at passing lie detector test or by just answering “Yes Maury I have thought about sleeping with all of them, and since we are being honest I am now thinking about sleeping with your wife Connie and your show’s producer”.  It is a no win situation for a man.

Now the moment you have all been waiting for:

Maury has made more men a “baby’s daddy” than Erykah Badu.  The Maury Povich Show has bought more recognition to DNA than crime scene investigations, wrongly convicted inmates, or even Watson & Crick!  Swab them cheeks, 24 hours later come back to the studio (usually in the same polo shirt) and find out if ‘in the case of … YOU ARE THE FATHER’.  From the women who have been on the show more than five times to the women that have had more than 30 men tested (let’s just make this clear, you should be able to narrow down the ‘possible’ fathers down to TWO.  It should either be Eric or Michael, anything more confirms you as a whore and that’s real talk) no episode has bought me such side-splitting laughter while cringing for the future of a child than the case of little Sammy Davis, Jr., Jr.

Yes that was Sammy Davis, Jr., Jr., not Sammy Davis III (the third) but yes Sammy Davis, Jr., Jr.  A woman had sex with a man by the name of Sammy Davis Jr. (we do not have time to wonder why his mother would do that to HIM), that woman ended up pregnant and in love with Sammy Davis Jr. had a boy and decided to name her after the father.  Showing her ignorance, instead of informing the hospital to name her son Sammy Davis III, giving the staff to joke about the father’s name, she told them to add a ‘Jr.’.  Why nobody called a social worker on her I will never know.  Why the Social Security Administration and local/state officials did not launch an immediate inquiry on the hospital for failure to report this woman to Child Protective Services and beat her ass with a rolled up magazine is beyond anyone’s comprehension.

Sammy Davis, Jr. was indeed the father of Sammy Davis, Jr., Jr. ending two dreams the father had.  One, being able to hold on to his entire check without a child support deduction; two) having his moment to breakout his version of the “NOT the father” dance.

We honor you, the Maury Povich Show, on this very special Valentine’s Day salute during Black History Month.  So after you buy the flowers from the gas station on your way to ya’ girl’s crib, after you have listened to every slow song you could illegally download, and after you eat that tough ass steak she fired up… remember to ‘strap it up’ before I am laughing at you next year!  With these economic times it is nice to know that we as people have something to keep us entertained until the next Tyler Perry mess… I mean movie, comes out.