Happy Black History Month!!! Today We Salute… The Maury Povich Show

Always more comforting to see someone else embarrass themselves while eventually becoming the laughing-stock of whatever small town in Arkansas, they must come from. The Maury Povich Show has caught more men in lies than a prosecuting attorney.  Maury is an equal opportunity, opportunist we can all agree the show is much more fun when Black people are on it.

The ‘cut-away’ where one of the guests are taped saying whatever they want to say about the person that bought them on the show is always a delight.  The degradation of women by the men is usually reserved to an NWA song.  This is always made better when the mother or current girlfriend of the man is right behind him looking like hype man, the only thing missing is a clock hanging from their neck and an occasional ‘yeeeeahhh boyeeee’.  The woman escorting the man to the show is never more attractive than the woman he use to date and usually outweighs the ex-girlfriend by exactly 122 lbs.  Proving these men have never been told, “if you are gonna cheat… you do not fuck down, you fuck up”.

When the mother escorts her son to the taping of the show, the mother always takes over the cut-away segment.  The looks in the mother’s eyes are similar to the look of the dominant inmate during a brutal prison shower rape and it will end in a similar fashion, in tears with someone’s ass torn up.  The son is always in the back mouthing either ‘help me’ or ‘I still love you, help me’.  The mother’s never believe anything the lying tramp said and freely tells all she ‘heard’ about who the little heffa has been sleeping with.  LOVE IT!

For the record, not every question answered turns out to be a lie but every man is caught in a lie.  No man is going to pass the ‘have you ever thought about sleeping with another woman’ question.  No man can pass the questions:

  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend?”
  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with your girlfriend’s cousin?”
  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with your girlfriend’s sister?”
  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with your girlfriend’s enemy?”
  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with your girlfriend’s mother?”
  • “Have you ever thought about sleeping with any combination of your girlfriend’s relatives, friends, enemies, neighbors, co-workers, Facebook friends?”

No man can pass those questions without being really good at passing lie detector test or by just answering “Yes Maury I have thought about sleeping with all of them, and since we are being honest I am now thinking about sleeping with your wife Connie and your show’s producer”.  It is a no win situation for a man.

Now the moment you have all been waiting for:

Maury has made more men a “baby’s daddy” than Erykah Badu.  The Maury Povich Show has bought more recognition to DNA than crime scene investigations, wrongly convicted inmates, or even Watson & Crick!  Swab them cheeks, 24 hours later come back to the studio (usually in the same polo shirt) and find out if ‘in the case of … YOU ARE THE FATHER’.  From the women who have been on the show more than five times to the women that have had more than 30 men tested (let’s just make this clear, you should be able to narrow down the ‘possible’ fathers down to TWO.  It should either be Eric or Michael, anything more confirms you as a whore and that’s real talk) no episode has bought me such side-splitting laughter while cringing for the future of a child than the case of little Sammy Davis, Jr., Jr.

Yes that was Sammy Davis, Jr., Jr., not Sammy Davis III (the third) but yes Sammy Davis, Jr., Jr.  A woman had sex with a man by the name of Sammy Davis Jr. (we do not have time to wonder why his mother would do that to HIM), that woman ended up pregnant and in love with Sammy Davis Jr. had a boy and decided to name her after the father.  Showing her ignorance, instead of informing the hospital to name her son Sammy Davis III, giving the staff to joke about the father’s name, she told them to add a ‘Jr.’.  Why nobody called a social worker on her I will never know.  Why the Social Security Administration and local/state officials did not launch an immediate inquiry on the hospital for failure to report this woman to Child Protective Services and beat her ass with a rolled up magazine is beyond anyone’s comprehension.

Sammy Davis, Jr. was indeed the father of Sammy Davis, Jr., Jr. ending two dreams the father had.  One, being able to hold on to his entire check without a child support deduction; two) having his moment to breakout his version of the “NOT the father” dance.

We honor you, the Maury Povich Show, on this very special Valentine’s Day salute during Black History Month.  So after you buy the flowers from the gas station on your way to ya’ girl’s crib, after you have listened to every slow song you could illegally download, and after you eat that tough ass steak she fired up… remember to ‘strap it up’ before I am laughing at you next year!  With these economic times it is nice to know that we as people have something to keep us entertained until the next Tyler Perry mess… I mean movie, comes out.

Happy Black History Month!! Today We Salute… Nurse Mary Shole

Nurse Mary Shole on April 29, 2010 was forced to work a second shift, in Labor and Delivery, even though there were more than enough nurses on staff that evening.  Nurse Shole was hoping to leave on time, the night before she caught her boyfriend cheating on her, with the assistance of Joey Greco and the TV show Cheaters.

Nurse Shole’s head was hurting, not from the long day or the stress from catching her boyfriend cheating, but from the right hook she caught from the big chick her man was caught with.  Nurse Shole spent much of the day trying to find a quiet dark room, lying about her black eye, and submitting resumes to new jobs in hopes of avoiding being embarrassed in front of her co-workers the day after that episode of Cheaters airs.  Nurse Mary Shole was having a rough day on April 29, 2010.

Nurse Mary Shole on April 29, 2010 assisted in the birth of a little girl.  Although this was a difficult task considering Nurse Shole was hoping to have a child with her boyfriend, it did help that the baby’s father of this child was nowhere to be seen.  Nurse Shole was only 31-years-old, still young enough to have children however when she took the punch to the head from the big chick her boyfriend was cheating on her with Nurse Shole was pretty sure she could feel it in her uterus.  Nurse Shole simply assisted the doctor and regular nurses in Labor and Delivery and was charged with getting vitals and information of the baby.

When Nurse Shole asked what the baby’s name was this when her courage under fire was displayed.  The mom of the baby girl replied “Diamondniqua Chardanay” without hesitation Nurse Shole jumped into action and slapped the shit out of the mother and called a social worker to remove this child from the custody of her parent, because the mother was obviously crazy. We will never know why Nurse Shole made the brave choice to save this child from a future of Human Resource departments throwing her resume out, only after reading her name.

Was it Nurse Mary Shole’s belief that made up ghetto names are a crime to the child, her desire to see Black people recognize that a child’s name should not be a curse on their life, the blow she took to the head the night before.  Whatever it was that made Nurse Shole respond this way did two things:  It saved a child from going through awkward moments while a substitute teacher taking attendance had to take an additional 15 seconds trying to sound hers out and it got Nurse Mary Shole fired, so she didn’t have to see her co-workers when her episode of Cheaters was aired 8 months later.  The state assumed responsibility in naming the child.  Unfortunately the baby girl became the first girl named Gladys since The Pips cosigned for Ms. Knight on Midnight Train to Georgia.

Today we honor Nurse Mary Shole, parents that name their children sensible names and the television show Cheaters.  Cheaters has featured more people with names ending in –iesha, -iqua, -ondra, and –gelo than any other show in American History.  Here’s to you Nurse Shole, hope the swelling went down.

Happy Black History Month!!! Today We Salute… 2 Dollars

2 dollars have helped more Black People get by than a police escort. You want to see a Black person at their best?  Give us two dollars and get the hell out our way!  Today you see on Yahoo, the Food Network, and other places “How to prepare dinners for your family on $10 dollars a day”.  For $10 a Black family can get through 2 weeks of dinners.  I have personally seen Black people (from my grandmother to people on the blocks I have lived) turn two bucks into a full meal with leftovers for the next couple days.  Bag of beans from the corner store for 75 cents, grab some salt pork for 30 cents, a small container of milk for 35 cents, and grab a bag of cheap caramel at 50 cents for dessert.  That’s $1.90 with room to spare for when the store decides it wants to charge tax today.

Some of you see the meal I am talking about and your mouth is watering now.  Those of you that are thinking “what kind of meal is that and what the fuck is ‘salt pork’?” are about to get a lesson in ‘making it work’.  Salt pork is just that pork cured in salt and it is very, very cheap it has also caused more heart attacks than shoveling snow and walking in your home finding your woman bent over and getting raw dogged by the deacon of your church.  Along with the salt it is loaded with fat, actually there is very little actual pork; it should probably be called ‘salt fat’.  As we all know, fat TASTE GOOD and when it sits in some boiling water with a nice amount of seasonings whatever you add to it taste like you should pay way more than 2 dollars.  Even if you have a six-figure salary in the Black community, you still find yourself eating a salt pork flavored meal a few times a year.  You’ll have a stroke one day, but if you are already left-handed what do you care.

Add the beans to the pot of salt pork, water, and seasonings and leave it alone.  With the small container of milk, you hook up some cornbread.  That’s if you have eggs.  If you do not have eggs and the corner store won’t let you buy just 1 egg (oh yeah in the hood, depending on who is working or how cute the store owner thinks you are you can buy just 1).  So what if you don’t have eggs, you are asking and don’t you need cornmeal?  A little secret about Black people, there are a few things you can find at every Black home, a bottle of hot sauce, cornmeal and a picture of Malcolm X next to Martin Luther King Jr. sitting with Jesus.  With no eggs, we do not buy the small container of milk and apply that change to buy the bigger piece of salt pork.  Then we make HOT-WATER CORNBREAD!!!  Heck we make hot-water when we get money.  It is exactly what it sounds like, hot water and cornmeal.  The hot water begins to cook the cornmeal when combined and then you put in a pan, fry it up like a pancake and tell everyone you know you are making hot-water cornbread because it means you are eating something tasty with it.

When dinner time hits, which is usually around 8 PM in a Black house (we don’t eat too early white people, if we have dinner at 5 or 6 it means we will be hungry again at 9, who has money for that!  We got two dollars to last us until our check comes and this meal needs to drag out at least one more day) the kids run in see a bowl of beans with little pieces of meat floating in a thick gravy like sauce with a side of HOT-WATER CORNBREAD!  When we find out mom bought us candy too, we don’t even get upset when we find out that the only thing she could afford for us to drink was one packet of ‘red’ Flava-Aid.  MMM… this is bringing back memories, PASS THE HOT SAUCE!  I bet you want some of this Malcolm and Martin.

It just isn’t a pot of beans that we can make happen… a cheap loaf of bread, a 99 cent pound of ground beef, some ketchup and mustard packets snatched up from the cafeteria (or from the last time you could afford White Castles) and now you have ‘Burger Night’ at the poor little Black family home.  If you live buy yourself, McDonald’s is your best friend if you only have to try to make it through the night.  Two McDoubles or McChicken with small fries, hold off eating it until you are really sleepy and you can fall off to sleep with a satisfied tummy and wake up to payday.

Man $2 dollars can be your best friend in hard times.  As Tupac said in “Dear Mama”:

Working with the scraps you were given’

This is a survival instinct that is just in us, it dates back to slavery.  We had to take what was not wanted and make something we enjoyed out of it.  Why do you think the intestines of a pig have turned into a holiday delicacy for our people?  You heard the saying ‘from the rooter to the tooter’?  Now it means ‘the whole thing’, but it started from Black people talking about the pig.  We would (and still do) eat everything on the pig from the ‘rooter’ (the snout) to the ‘tooter’ (the tail, yes the tail!  Walk into a corner store in a Black community and right next to the pickled eggs, there should be a big jar of pickled pig-tails and an assortment of other ‘pickled’ items… except actual pickles.  We like our pickles individually wrapped in plastic coming in an assortment of flavors and heat levels)… WE EAT THE WHOLE PIG!  If you eat hot dogs at a baseball game, so do you!

We have written songs about 2 dollars:

OH I LOVE THAT SONG!  I have been in many a bar on the South Side, drunk, at 2 o’clock in the morning (the only time that song can legally be played in Chicago, Detroit, and Mississippi) singing that song louder than the DJ could play it or the band could sing it.

Sadly, we have to pay a solemn tribute to a 2 dollar classic never to be uttered again.  When you said this, you knew you were about to have a great night or go get something you been wanting for a long time (like that girl you been chasing since 11th grade), “let me get 2 dollars on pump number fo”, in the Black community from 1955 to 1998 that phrase was second only to “let me borrow… 2 dollars” in number of times heard per day.  Here’s to you 2 Dollars!!! We love you more than this country, most of our cousins, every member of Destiny’s Child not named Beyonce… but not as much as Marvin Gaye and the 1st of the Month. We celebrate those last 2 dollars because when we get to those last couple, that is exactly what is next…

Happy Black History Month!!! Today We Salute… Yo Mama!!!

Today we honor Yo Mama! She may be so fat it takes a bus and 2 trains to get on her good side, so fat when her cell phone rings people think she’s backing up, so fat it takes a calendar year for her to put on her belt, we still honor her.  Yo mama is timeless and resilient, right before God said let there be light He told Yo Mama to move out the way, scientists have said after the bomb drops the only survivors will be rats, roaches, and Yo Mama.

On this day we pay respect to Yo Mama, even though you may have heard her say ‘mama be back’ more than ‘mama love you’, even though she has had more men than money, even though she missed your 8th, 9th, 12th, 17th birthdays and graduation because she was locked up, we respect that woman today.

On this day we hold her up high… because she is so short she models for trophies, so short her homies are the Keebler Elfs, so short that in her driver’s license picture you can see her feet but we still look up to her.  A wise woman Yo Mama is, so old and wise her memories are in black and white, so old and wise her birth certificate expired, so old and wise she co-wrote the Bible.  So old and wise Yo Mama gave Harriet Tubman directions to the Underground Railroad… wise, wise, wise woman.  Old too!

Yo Mama tried her best to give you the best, although her idea of a well-rounded meal was a burger, a cookie, and a donut, she was so poor your TV had 2 channels “on/off”, so poor in a conversation she can’t put in her 2 cents, so poor she made you eat cereal with a fork to save milk damn it she tried her best!

Life was not easy for Yo Mama, she faced challenges daily due to her short comings.  So ugly when she walked into banks, they turned the cameras off.  She still carried on!  When she was 39 years old, she lost a finger so she could no longer count to 10.  She still carried on!  So dumb she took a survey and failed it. She still carried on!  So dumb, when asked to make up her mind, she put lipstick on her forehead.  She still carried on!  Unfortunately she lost her job as a phone sex operator for giving out ear infections. She still carried on and eventually became famous!  She went on to become a stunt double for Chubaca, the symbol of the Republican Party, today Big Foot takes pictures of her!

Without a doubt Yo Mama is one tough woman.  Hell, Yo Mama is twice the man YOU are.  The bitch’s middle name is Rambo.  She got called in to serve jury duty and they found HER guilty.  When watching a shoot out scene in a movie, she takes notes.  She is undefeated in organized pit bull fights.  She got a tattoo on her left tittie that says “GIMME YO FUCKIN’ MONEY”.  Yo Mama knows what she wants too, for Christmas she bought your father knee pads.  People call her squirrel because she’s always got nuts in her mouth.  Yo Mama is still a considerate person, after sex she asks everybody for their name.

Though she wears a wig with a chin strap and has a fake leg with a kick stand she is still Yo Mama, so tell her… I’ll be home late for dinner, keep my plate warm, and make sure she puts your ass to sleep. Finally, a Happy Black History Month to Yo Mama… old heffa been around for all of them.

HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!!! Today We Salute Flava Aid

HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH! Flava Aid, not KOOL AID. You did not notice when mom started buying cheaper meat or the off brand vanilla cream cookies or saltines instead of Ritz, but when you saw Flava Aid instead of Kool Aid you knew your family had some money problems.

That day you helped your mother with the groceries, you put the pork steaks instead of the usual pot roast in the freezer without a question.  Grabbed the store brand loaf of bread out the bag, not once did you question where the Wonder or Sara Lee bread is at.  But when you pulled out 50 packs of Flava Aid instead of the 20 packs of Kool Aid you became use to, you screamed out “Flava Aid… why you being so cheap?  What you be doing with your money?”  Learning two very important lessons at that moment, your mother has a serious left hook and don’t ever question her about how she spends her money.  The next thing that crosses your mind, after  you stop seeing stars, is that times is rough and how can this happen to your family.  You go to church, you don’t steal anything other than your neighbors cable and they are tapped into their neighbor’s cable so the original sin is on them anyway.

The Flava Aid revelation now has you more than interested in stock market ticker at the bottom of that one  boring channel you zoom by on your way to watch BET.  Unfortunately you don’t know what Kool Aid’s ticker symbol is, so your theory that the cost of Kool Aid has sky rocketed will remain unfounded.

“WHY DID MOMMY NOT INVEST IN KOOL AID???  We would be rich; I would be belly deep in purple Kool Aid right now if she did.”

That’s okay the president speaks tonight to the nation, he will surely address the rising cost of high quality drink mixes.  At 8:00 PM that night, you are in front of the television with an ice cold glass of water (you’re still not a hundred percent sure of that cheap stuff)…

“Mr. President, I could sure use your leadership right now.  War?  Crimes against humanity?  The right thing to do?  Man please… who elected this clown!  My mommy can’t afford my drank, deal with the issues man!  I can’t wait until I can vote.”

The next day you are at school, in English class your teacher asks you to draft a letter to someone you miss.  Your letter to the “Hey Kool Aid Man” is heartfelt, emotional… you get a “B” on it, but your teacher writes a referral to the school social worker about possible ‘issues’. You do not have time to talk answer questions from a professional about ‘uncles’ and point at puppets, you have to get to Chemistry class.  Dammit you will make your own Kool Aid!  How hard can it be?  Sugar, ground up Jolly Ranchers, and water… off you go!

Okay, that didn’t work out Kool Aid is not as easy as you thought it would be and while trying to ground up the Jolly Ranchers into a fine powdery substance, a piece broke off and hit that slow kid in his eye.

“Detention, I have to serve detention for trying to help financially challenged kids.  Oh well, Martin Luther King went to jail for his beliefs, an hour in the library for mine is worth it if it means a better life for all.”

Heck, half your friends are in detention so not so bad.  Plus, you all can kick it at your house after school, play Nintendo, and drink Kool… FUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGG.  Now you have 4 thirsty and judgmental ‘friends’ on their way to your house and they keep asking if you have red or green Kool Aid in the fridge.  You cannot stand privileged kids.  The fear that you feel creeping up on you as you near your house is only trumped by your outrage at the government for allowing it’s citizens to reach such levels of poverty.

You arrive at home with 4 ‘rich kids’ following you, your mom meets you at the door.  No company!!! Punishment???  Yes, I am on punishment!  Awesome.  I had to deal with a backhand left hand from mom and a possible concussion… but questioning where mom’s money was going has turned out to be an ego saving move.

“Bye… I gotta go clean my room and take out the garbage.  Thank God!”

Next day at school you figure the need to take interest in history class for the first time.  You want to know about the history of Kool Aid, which excites the class.  Everybody wants to talk about Kool Aid.  Who wouldn’t, until one kid asks the teacher if it is true that a man killed a bunch of people by poisoning their Kool Aid.  WHAT???  The teacher tells the class that the incident was at Jonestown and adds an interesting note about what they were drinking, “people for years have said it was Kool Aid they mixed up, actually it was Flava Aid”… you’re definitely not drinking that shit now.  And how stupid were those people to follow a broke cult.  If you ever join a cult they will have a lot of money and if you ever notice them switching out the Kool Aid for Flava Aid you know what’s going down and that the guy next to you is welcome to your glass.

Eventually, your mom pulls into the driveway with a small bag of Kool Aid and all is well again.  You’re not going to lose the house, you won’t have to spend your weekends walking around town with a stolen cart from the local Safeway collecting aluminum cans on the side of the road.  You can sleep peacefully again, knowing that your family has survived a serious financial crisis.  So on this 3rd day of Black History Month we salute Flava Aid, knock off drink mix, the drink of choice of deranged insecure cult leaders everywhere, and economic indicator for little Black kids.

“I Ain’t Having It In 2012″… Yeah Right

So for the last few weeks I have had to listen to mindless chatter about what people are changing about themselves in the year 2012 and get asked if I made any resolutions (yes I did, next year I promise not to slap the shit of people who ask me if I am making resolutions.. SLAP).  My favorite one was while I was on the L heading downtown, some woman was on her phone talking loud to someone, who I can only assume had this woman on speaker phone so everyone in the house could get a good laugh out it.  The lady on the train had to take time out of everyone’s day to let us know that she “ain’t having it 2012”.  I am looking at her thinking “yeah you are, you’re having all of it”.  I believe she is going to put up with the same mess in 2012 that she did in 2011 and probably 20-plus years prior based off of the lack of restraint while talking on the phone while rolling on the Green Line and the 22 oz Schlitz she was halfway finished with.  So if you have told people you ‘are not having it in 2012’ let me be the first to tell… Yes you are.  You are gonna have all of it this year, like you did last year and the years before, and you are gonna take it like a porn star.

I have a problem with resolutions because people plan them out, think about it for weeks and months like it is their prom and picking the wrong dress will get them talked about once every ten years for the rest of their life.  What is wrong with thinking about things you want to change about yourself, you are probably asking especially if it is designed to make you a better person.  Absolutely nothing, except when I think about something I need to change about myself on October 29th, I begin changing it on October 29th and on November 19th it is a part of my life.  Why on the 19th? Most of you know this, but some of you have no clue to why that date (probably you jag offs that made resolutions) psychologists and researchers have determined that it takes 21 consecutive days of conscious effort to do something different to make it a habit.  Going by the 21 day rule, if you are going to change something about yourself in 2012 you should be done by the 22nd of January.  What are you going to do the other 343 days out the year?  I would knock out 16 more fucked up things about myself if I was as fucked up as you!

So let me help you upgrade yourself, I will even make it easy for you.  Instead of dealing with the thing you want to change I will deal specifically with 17 things that you really do not want to do or be, okay?  Let me explain, the biggest thing going into a new year is losing weight.  Well most people do not make this goal (probably because they thought about doing this in October, put it off 2 months and ate themselves into a bigger pair of jeans during the holidays) so to help you help you make your resolution come true, instead of you promising to lose weight in 2012 I say your resolution should be to not be a fat ass in 2012.  So my list is not a ‘how to’ list but a ‘how NOT to’ list… heck let’s start with the weight thing.

Onmysquare’s 2012 “How Not To” list:

1)      How not to be a fat ass:  First, close your mouth when you breathe, nobody should be at work with you and take a look over at your desk 4 times a day because you sound like you fell asleep.  People should not sit in front of you during a lecture and have the creepy sensation like you are getting closer to them as if you’re Jason Voorhees.  You can be a fat person without being a fat ass, the Notorious BIG was fat, but not a fat ass.  Luther Vandross, Big Pun, Oprah Winfrey, Melissa McCarthy… all fat none a fat ass.  Newt Gingrich, fat ass, you would think a man with a $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany’s would be able to see if Macy’s had Purple Label shirts that fit him.  Being a fat ass has very little to do with weight but everything to do with how you present yourself when you carry a little extra weight.  To pull this resolution off, when you get dressed think America Ferrera or Queen Latifah not Kirstie Alley after her Jenny Craig contract is up.  Guys think Alec Baldwin or Forest Whitaker not Tracy Morgan or the fat guy from Lost (how are you on an island for seven seasons and never lose a pound?).  Another thing every time people talk about going out to grab something to eat, stop suggesting buffets!

2)      How not to stink:  So you have decided you want your do something about your appearance, you want to dress better, take a little more time when buy shoes, in other words you want to look like you don’t stink.  Because people who look like they stink, do.  Here’s what you do, I love to dress and can do it on the cheap.  Easiest thing to do is layer your clothes; layering for men keeps us from looking like mommy let us pick our clothes today, yay!  You do not have to invest in slacks, if you do no pleated pants.  Keep it flat front, trust me.  Rock button-up shirts, solid colors or tight stripes don’t go outside your lane on this one.  Put a sweater over it, tuck the shirt in a shirt not tucked in and hanging from under the sweater will cause you to look like a fat ass.  Make sure your jeans fit, not saggy, not too tight (read my first post for more information on this).  Now how not to really stink, shower!  Put soap and water all over you and rinse, apply to any area that folds or creases please!  88% of all stink comes from areas you think nobody should be able to smell, rule of thumb should be if people CAN’T see it/people CAN smell it.  Use deodorant.  You can stop right there, you would be surprised how much the smell of soap turns women on.  If you do want to roll with cologne, apply one spray to your stomach after the shower as you dry down.  After you put on a shirt, you can take another spray down the back, if it is a strong cologne like any “Aquas” I stop there!  The most you can take it from there is a small splash to neck.  NO MORE THAN 3 SPRAYS!!!!  NO MORE THAN 2 IF YOU SIT CLOSE TO PEOPLE AT WORK!!!!  People may not run to you and tell you how nice you smell, but trust me they refer to you as ‘the good smelling guy’.  A little smell good makes women want to get closer so they can get a better whiff, too much is stinky.

3)      How not to overload your schedule:  So you decided you are going to stop drinking or cut back.  Well you are not hanging out at the bar anymore or meeting the girls out for drinks, now you have to find something else to do.  People make the mistake of finding too many things to do when they stop drinking.  “Oh I was at Bar Louie 5 nights a week, I could learn how to play the piano and join a book club with that time”.  Dumbass!!! If you could have learned how to play the piano you would have stuck with it when you learned the scales in the 4th grade.  Read??  You fuckin’ drunk, you don’t read!!!  Now you have picked up way more than you have time for, before you know it you’ll be bringing a box of wine to the book club.  Look, until the judge orders it… keep drinking.

4)      How not to go to jail:  You’ve decided you are going to be a calmer person, let the small stuff go.  When she says something about you, let her.  When he breaks a promise, so what.  You are not that irrational person that goes off when you feel you have been wronged.  People will not say they are afraid to tell you anything for fear of being yelled at… I know, I know, one time someone tells you that you left the lights on in your car and slapped the ship out of them.  You are not that person anymore.  What you are is a future resident of one of your state’s fine correctional facilities.  Look, you are not a stable individual you yell at people and hit people you love because you do not have the capabilities of keeping that shit inside and dealing with it in healthy ways.  What’s gonna happen is you are going ‘let things go’ for months, then one real hot day in August when your air goes out and no HVAC person can get to your place and fix it, you are going to go see Tyler Perry’s new movie, because you like him, you are an irrational person so you relate to Madea, and the theater has air conditioning.  Well you decided to go to a Tyler Perry movie on the weekend it opens, you didn’t know it was this many Black people in your state.  One person blows their horn at you as you walk through the parking lot, because Black people never read the part of the driver’s manual that says ‘pedestrians have the right of way’, two people asked you for change and they both had on new Nikes, one person called you outside your name because you didn’t want to buy a bootleg of the NEW Tyler Perry movie you are on your way to see.  You have done well, until you get to the ticket booth and the high school kid trying to make enough money keep up with his Xanax addiction tells you politely, “sorry Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Hell is sold out”.  Who knew your arm could fit through the small slit where the money/ticket exchange takes place, who knew your arm was long enough to allow you to grab his neck and choke that lil’ fucker until pills pop out his ass!  Who knew his father was an Assistant District Attorney and his colleagues figure you need to be the poster child for cruel and unusual punishment.  Who knew… I did, keep being you leave this resolution alone.

5)      How not to raise lame kids:  First, don’t name them Blue.  Second, let your kids be who they are and when they make a mistake, beat their ass.  So this year you are going to be a better parent, get your kid involved in more activities, be their friend… blah, blah, blah.  So you have decided to pass your insecurities off on your kids, awesome.  You sucked at sports and blamed your dad for not being around to teach you how to catch a football.  Maybe your hand/eye coördination sucked so badly that if your father did stick around to build you into a first round draft pick, his shame in your lack of athletic ability would have drove him away from you anyway.  Okay your pops fell in love with some strange ass outside the home and got a 2-bedroom in the next county for him her, and her 2 kids.  Maybe your mom should have learned that trick with her tongue and dad would have never left.  DO NOT take your kids to do anything they have not expressed interest in, yes you can visit some museums, musicals, plays, soccer matches, and if your kid asks about it you can suggest the best way to learn is to get involved, but DO NOT do anything with your kids based on what your next door neighbors are doing with their kids.  Their kids are going to be screwed up in the head because they were never allowed to express themselves as people and are Menendez Brothers plotting on their parents.  Let it go, forgive your father, but give your mother hell for not letting her inner-whore go twice a week.

6)      How not to infect the gene pool:  You decided you want to start a family, raise some kids… yawn.  Look at yourself in the mirror.  Do you have tattoos on the side of your neck?  Do you have on a shirt from any of the Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter movies?  Are you in the Tea Party?  Do you own more than one Maroon 5 CD?  Do you make New Year’s resolutions?  Does everything in your house come to a stop when “Meet the Browns” come on?  Are you in high school?  Are you still high from last night?  Are you still high from this morning?  Are you about to go get high?  At this moment do have one or more babies crying in the other room due to lack of attention?  Do you find Dane Cook HILARIOUS?  Do you like thugs?  Do you believe you can turn a hoe into a housewife? Have you seen 2 or more “Madea Goes To… “movies/plays?   Is your name Britney Spears?  If the answer to any of these questions is yes… you should not have children, you should walk into the woods and get lost or let a bear eat you.  It is in the best interest of the gene pool.

7)      How not to like bad music:  You feel like life is passing you by, so you are ready to get back out.  There are clubs open now that you have never been to, there are hip people walking around everywhere and you want to know them.  Before you know it you’ll be walking around in MMA style t-shirts, joining a gym but walking on a treadmill for 4 minutes and walking around striking up conversations before you hit arms… again.  You’ll head out to some club with some of the trainers from the gym and by the end of the week you have techno music pumping from your car and find yourself looking forward to the next Nickelback CD.  Idiot.  Just keep getting old, it is infinitely cooler to be the 55-year-old guy, comfortable with his age, knows a little about a lot, and likes to see people 30 years younger than him be 30 years younger than him.  Just let yourself grow up, you get cool again.

8)      How not to smoke crack:  First and this should go without saying, stop hanging out with Bobby Brown… Second, if you find yourself in a puff-puff-pass session with DMX do not smoke anything he rolled.  So you decided to quit smoking and you are making a big deal about it, such a big deal about quitting smoking that the addiction must be really strong, you keep talking about it to the point I say to myself “cigarettes can’t be that bad, are you giving up smoking crack”?  So I am going to treat you like you are trying to get over a crack addiction.  Considering my knowledge on crack addiction is limited to After School Specials, “Say No To Drugs” campaigns in the 80’s, and post 2004 Whitney Houston… I can only assume you’re fuuuhhhhked.  Good news is, if you can actually go 21 days without taking a hit of crack, you may have actually been able to quit smoking.  Good luck with your addiction!

9)      How not to annoy your family:  You want to spend more time with your brothers, sisters, and mom.  Be a good brother/sister/son/daughter.  I got good/bad news for you, your family has become use to not seeing you.  Seeing your family more would actually piss them off, because they are going to assume you need to borrow money and building up the courage to ask.  I suggest you just think about them more often, put up some pictures of them around your house so when they come over they realize you love them.  Real talk, ain’t nobody feeling you like that to see you more than they see you now.

10)   How not to live on a budget:  You are gonna get your finances in order this year, live within your means, and buy only what you can afford to while paying your bills and saving.  Why?  Fuck it, file bankruptcy.  Next.

11)   How not to be dumb as fuck:  I see you, ready to read more, take some classes get a degree.  Nice, my friend, self-improvement is honorable.  What is that book?  Confessions of a Video Vixen, oh wow a book by Zane… you’ll learn something reading that.  What classes are you taking?  Getting an MBA, awesome!  What night are your classes?  No classes?  Oh yeah you’re right you do not have to necessarily take a physical class at the University of Phoenix.  So you are going through an MBA program but not going to sit in classes with people who you can make life long connections with that can benefit your career.  What are you dumb as fuck?

12)   How not to get hit upside the head with a purse by an old lady or get jumped by a group of Black guys:  You have made a resolution to help more people, change starts with you, you can make a difference if not in the world but in your city.  You are going to volunteer at a senior citizens home, sure the first few weeks are great, you bond with a sweet lady drink coffee and talk about the news with her.  You miss one week, because you had tickets to see Nickleback (dumb ass), you return to the senior citizens facility to spend time with your buddy.  She is not in her room, you sit and wait.  A few minutes later she walks in with her cup of coffee getting ready to watch the evening news, sees you sitting there.  Throws her coffee at you, burns your arm! She throws anything she can get her hands on at you, including her purse which cuts your eye.  The nurse comes in calms her down, another nurse comes in and gets a bandage over your cut and tells you that your old lady friend is senile and does not remember things well past 9 days.  So you figure you’ll just go home and relax.  You also decided you would use public transportation more often, since you were cut and needed a little treatment you stayed a little longer than usual.  Embarrassed by your cut you tilt your hat a little over your left eye to kind of hide it.  Bad ideas, as you walk to the bus stop, the thugs in the neighborhood are out on the block and they all have their hats tilted to the right.  Not knowing any better you foolishly walk through the brothers, saying “what’s up”.  “What’s up?  Did this muh’fuhka just ask us what’s up?”  Now you are getting beat on like Vanilla Ice giving up his publishing rights to Suge Knight, all because you decided to make a difference and like bad music.  See this shit never ends people!

13)   How not to lose shit:  In other words you decided you are going to be more organized; it takes you 30 minutes to find things that you should find in 2 minutes or less.  Let me tell you something my mother told me that can help you out… “Why don’t you throw some of this shit away?”  You have too much shit, you don’t have to become more organized you need to toss some shit.  Spend a day; throwing shit you don’t use anymore into a trash bag, throw that shit out the house, you won’t have a problem finding the shit you need.  You are not unorganized, you are filthy.  You made the wrong resolution with your trifling ass!

14)   How not to be rejected:  This is the year you are going to find the love or your life and get the job you always wanted.  What the fuck ever!  You did not try to find a job in 2011?  You didn’t blow a relationship with someone you liked a lot last year?  You turned down a six-figure job or something last year?  Your ex didn’t break up with you because you got caught giving head to somebody you met in a bar one night?  Face it, you are a loser.  I am not saying you will not ever get a great job or find someone who brings you joy but your history clearly states otherwise.  If you do get any of these things it probably won’t be because of anything you set out to do.  Guys you want to find love with someone awesome that you never thought you could have, focus on getting a better job… Rich guys marry hot chicks.  Ladies you want to find love from an awesome guy, I have no advice for you.  You see how many women are kissing other women in bars these days, the pickings are slim.  Buy some flannel shirts and the next time the lady at the gym that works out in blue jeans, boots, and has a haircut like your brother says hi to you don’t smile and keep it moving… chat it up a little.

15)   How not to set yourself up for failure:  You didn’t like my suggestion about filing for bankruptcy, you set a budget and been saving money.  In the words of former NBA Power Forward Derrick Coleman “woopdie, damn, doo!”  Now you are feeling yourself, going on a nice vacation, a cruise to an island.  Taking care of yourself for once in your life and feels good.  Dumb ass, you’re doing the same dumb shit that got you broke in the first place.  You saved $1000 in 9 months and used $400 of it to pay the balance on the trip.  Spent $200 on clothes and instead of limiting your drinking to all-inclusive package on the ship, you decide since you’re are on the island you’ll buy some drinks for the cute locals.  Later you find out that someone there stole your debit card information and as far as the credit agencies are concerned that is your responsibility now.  How is bankruptcy looking now you fuckin’ failure!

16)   How not to look like a pussy:  Way to go!  You are going to save the environment, going green!  Recycling, cutting back on fuel, might bike to work on nice days.  Trading in your Jeep for a Prius… you come up to a stop light for the first time.  Look over in the car next to you, the hottest chick you have ever seen, she sees your eyes and smiles.  Then she checks out your brand new Prius, frowns runs the light to get away from you.  Women don’t date pussies!  Women like their men sensitive to a point; you’re driving around in a Prius, crying for dolphins and the ozone layer.  Have you ever see a football player get out of his car on Sunday before the big game in a Prius?  The kickers and punters drive F-150’s and BMW’s, you drive a Prius… you look like a pussy.  Tim Tebow drives a Range Rover and he prays for the guys trying to rip his head off… BEFORE THE GAME!!!  Instead of spending time working on this resolution why don’t you put your time to better use, like waiting for your testicles to fall.

17)   How not to make resolutions:  Be you, always.  If there is something you do not like about yourself find out the cause of it and then embrace it as a part of who you are.  If you feel you need to lose weight, ask yourself if you can love yourself as you are, if your answer is yes the pounds will fall off.  Your love for who you are will fix anything wrong with you.  Happy New Year.