So for the last few weeks I have had to listen to mindless chatter about what people are changing about themselves in the year 2012 and get asked if I made any resolutions (yes I did, next year I promise not to slap the shit of people who ask me if I am making resolutions.. SLAP). My favorite one was while I was on the L heading downtown, some woman was on her phone talking loud to someone, who I can only assume had this woman on speaker phone so everyone in the house could get a good laugh out it. The lady on the train had to take time out of everyone’s day to let us know that she “ain’t having it 2012”. I am looking at her thinking “yeah you are, you’re having all of it”. I believe she is going to put up with the same mess in 2012 that she did in 2011 and probably 20-plus years prior based off of the lack of restraint while talking on the phone while rolling on the Green Line and the 22 oz Schlitz she was halfway finished with. So if you have told people you ‘are not having it in 2012’ let me be the first to tell… Yes you are. You are gonna have all of it this year, like you did last year and the years before, and you are gonna take it like a porn star.
I have a problem with resolutions because people plan them out, think about it for weeks and months like it is their prom and picking the wrong dress will get them talked about once every ten years for the rest of their life. What is wrong with thinking about things you want to change about yourself, you are probably asking especially if it is designed to make you a better person. Absolutely nothing, except when I think about something I need to change about myself on October 29th, I begin changing it on October 29th and on November 19th it is a part of my life. Why on the 19th? Most of you know this, but some of you have no clue to why that date (probably you jag offs that made resolutions) psychologists and researchers have determined that it takes 21 consecutive days of conscious effort to do something different to make it a habit. Going by the 21 day rule, if you are going to change something about yourself in 2012 you should be done by the 22nd of January. What are you going to do the other 343 days out the year? I would knock out 16 more fucked up things about myself if I was as fucked up as you!
So let me help you upgrade yourself, I will even make it easy for you. Instead of dealing with the thing you want to change I will deal specifically with 17 things that you really do not want to do or be, okay? Let me explain, the biggest thing going into a new year is losing weight. Well most people do not make this goal (probably because they thought about doing this in October, put it off 2 months and ate themselves into a bigger pair of jeans during the holidays) so to help you help you make your resolution come true, instead of you promising to lose weight in 2012 I say your resolution should be to not be a fat ass in 2012. So my list is not a ‘how to’ list but a ‘how NOT to’ list… heck let’s start with the weight thing.
Onmysquare’s 2012 “How Not To” list:
1) How not to be a fat ass: First, close your mouth when you breathe, nobody should be at work with you and take a look over at your desk 4 times a day because you sound like you fell asleep. People should not sit in front of you during a lecture and have the creepy sensation like you are getting closer to them as if you’re Jason Voorhees. You can be a fat person without being a fat ass, the Notorious BIG was fat, but not a fat ass. Luther Vandross, Big Pun, Oprah Winfrey, Melissa McCarthy… all fat none a fat ass. Newt Gingrich, fat ass, you would think a man with a $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany’s would be able to see if Macy’s had Purple Label shirts that fit him. Being a fat ass has very little to do with weight but everything to do with how you present yourself when you carry a little extra weight. To pull this resolution off, when you get dressed think America Ferrera or Queen Latifah not Kirstie Alley after her Jenny Craig contract is up. Guys think Alec Baldwin or Forest Whitaker not Tracy Morgan or the fat guy from Lost (how are you on an island for seven seasons and never lose a pound?). Another thing every time people talk about going out to grab something to eat, stop suggesting buffets!
2) How not to stink: So you have decided you want your do something about your appearance, you want to dress better, take a little more time when buy shoes, in other words you want to look like you don’t stink. Because people who look like they stink, do. Here’s what you do, I love to dress and can do it on the cheap. Easiest thing to do is layer your clothes; layering for men keeps us from looking like mommy let us pick our clothes today, yay! You do not have to invest in slacks, if you do no pleated pants. Keep it flat front, trust me. Rock button-up shirts, solid colors or tight stripes don’t go outside your lane on this one. Put a sweater over it, tuck the shirt in a shirt not tucked in and hanging from under the sweater will cause you to look like a fat ass. Make sure your jeans fit, not saggy, not too tight (read my first post for more information on this). Now how not to really stink, shower! Put soap and water all over you and rinse, apply to any area that folds or creases please! 88% of all stink comes from areas you think nobody should be able to smell, rule of thumb should be if people CAN’T see it/people CAN smell it. Use deodorant. You can stop right there, you would be surprised how much the smell of soap turns women on. If you do want to roll with cologne, apply one spray to your stomach after the shower as you dry down. After you put on a shirt, you can take another spray down the back, if it is a strong cologne like any “Aquas” I stop there! The most you can take it from there is a small splash to neck. NO MORE THAN 3 SPRAYS!!!! NO MORE THAN 2 IF YOU SIT CLOSE TO PEOPLE AT WORK!!!! People may not run to you and tell you how nice you smell, but trust me they refer to you as ‘the good smelling guy’. A little smell good makes women want to get closer so they can get a better whiff, too much is stinky.
3) How not to overload your schedule: So you decided you are going to stop drinking or cut back. Well you are not hanging out at the bar anymore or meeting the girls out for drinks, now you have to find something else to do. People make the mistake of finding too many things to do when they stop drinking. “Oh I was at Bar Louie 5 nights a week, I could learn how to play the piano and join a book club with that time”. Dumbass!!! If you could have learned how to play the piano you would have stuck with it when you learned the scales in the 4th grade. Read?? You fuckin’ drunk, you don’t read!!! Now you have picked up way more than you have time for, before you know it you’ll be bringing a box of wine to the book club. Look, until the judge orders it… keep drinking.
4) How not to go to jail: You’ve decided you are going to be a calmer person, let the small stuff go. When she says something about you, let her. When he breaks a promise, so what. You are not that irrational person that goes off when you feel you have been wronged. People will not say they are afraid to tell you anything for fear of being yelled at… I know, I know, one time someone tells you that you left the lights on in your car and slapped the ship out of them. You are not that person anymore. What you are is a future resident of one of your state’s fine correctional facilities. Look, you are not a stable individual you yell at people and hit people you love because you do not have the capabilities of keeping that shit inside and dealing with it in healthy ways. What’s gonna happen is you are going ‘let things go’ for months, then one real hot day in August when your air goes out and no HVAC person can get to your place and fix it, you are going to go see Tyler Perry’s new movie, because you like him, you are an irrational person so you relate to Madea, and the theater has air conditioning. Well you decided to go to a Tyler Perry movie on the weekend it opens, you didn’t know it was this many Black people in your state. One person blows their horn at you as you walk through the parking lot, because Black people never read the part of the driver’s manual that says ‘pedestrians have the right of way’, two people asked you for change and they both had on new Nikes, one person called you outside your name because you didn’t want to buy a bootleg of the NEW Tyler Perry movie you are on your way to see. You have done well, until you get to the ticket booth and the high school kid trying to make enough money keep up with his Xanax addiction tells you politely, “sorry Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Hell is sold out”. Who knew your arm could fit through the small slit where the money/ticket exchange takes place, who knew your arm was long enough to allow you to grab his neck and choke that lil’ fucker until pills pop out his ass! Who knew his father was an Assistant District Attorney and his colleagues figure you need to be the poster child for cruel and unusual punishment. Who knew… I did, keep being you leave this resolution alone.
5) How not to raise lame kids: First, don’t name them Blue. Second, let your kids be who they are and when they make a mistake, beat their ass. So this year you are going to be a better parent, get your kid involved in more activities, be their friend… blah, blah, blah. So you have decided to pass your insecurities off on your kids, awesome. You sucked at sports and blamed your dad for not being around to teach you how to catch a football. Maybe your hand/eye coördination sucked so badly that if your father did stick around to build you into a first round draft pick, his shame in your lack of athletic ability would have drove him away from you anyway. Okay your pops fell in love with some strange ass outside the home and got a 2-bedroom in the next county for him her, and her 2 kids. Maybe your mom should have learned that trick with her tongue and dad would have never left. DO NOT take your kids to do anything they have not expressed interest in, yes you can visit some museums, musicals, plays, soccer matches, and if your kid asks about it you can suggest the best way to learn is to get involved, but DO NOT do anything with your kids based on what your next door neighbors are doing with their kids. Their kids are going to be screwed up in the head because they were never allowed to express themselves as people and are Menendez Brothers plotting on their parents. Let it go, forgive your father, but give your mother hell for not letting her inner-whore go twice a week.
6) How not to infect the gene pool: You decided you want to start a family, raise some kids… yawn. Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you have tattoos on the side of your neck? Do you have on a shirt from any of the Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter movies? Are you in the Tea Party? Do you own more than one Maroon 5 CD? Do you make New Year’s resolutions? Does everything in your house come to a stop when “Meet the Browns” come on? Are you in high school? Are you still high from last night? Are you still high from this morning? Are you about to go get high? At this moment do have one or more babies crying in the other room due to lack of attention? Do you find Dane Cook HILARIOUS? Do you like thugs? Do you believe you can turn a hoe into a housewife? Have you seen 2 or more “Madea Goes To… “movies/plays? Is your name Britney Spears? If the answer to any of these questions is yes… you should not have children, you should walk into the woods and get lost or let a bear eat you. It is in the best interest of the gene pool.
7) How not to like bad music: You feel like life is passing you by, so you are ready to get back out. There are clubs open now that you have never been to, there are hip people walking around everywhere and you want to know them. Before you know it you’ll be walking around in MMA style t-shirts, joining a gym but walking on a treadmill for 4 minutes and walking around striking up conversations before you hit arms… again. You’ll head out to some club with some of the trainers from the gym and by the end of the week you have techno music pumping from your car and find yourself looking forward to the next Nickelback CD. Idiot. Just keep getting old, it is infinitely cooler to be the 55-year-old guy, comfortable with his age, knows a little about a lot, and likes to see people 30 years younger than him be 30 years younger than him. Just let yourself grow up, you get cool again.
8) How not to smoke crack: First and this should go without saying, stop hanging out with Bobby Brown… Second, if you find yourself in a puff-puff-pass session with DMX do not smoke anything he rolled. So you decided to quit smoking and you are making a big deal about it, such a big deal about quitting smoking that the addiction must be really strong, you keep talking about it to the point I say to myself “cigarettes can’t be that bad, are you giving up smoking crack”? So I am going to treat you like you are trying to get over a crack addiction. Considering my knowledge on crack addiction is limited to After School Specials, “Say No To Drugs” campaigns in the 80’s, and post 2004 Whitney Houston… I can only assume you’re fuuuhhhhked. Good news is, if you can actually go 21 days without taking a hit of crack, you may have actually been able to quit smoking. Good luck with your addiction!
9) How not to annoy your family: You want to spend more time with your brothers, sisters, and mom. Be a good brother/sister/son/daughter. I got good/bad news for you, your family has become use to not seeing you. Seeing your family more would actually piss them off, because they are going to assume you need to borrow money and building up the courage to ask. I suggest you just think about them more often, put up some pictures of them around your house so when they come over they realize you love them. Real talk, ain’t nobody feeling you like that to see you more than they see you now.
10) How not to live on a budget: You are gonna get your finances in order this year, live within your means, and buy only what you can afford to while paying your bills and saving. Why? Fuck it, file bankruptcy. Next.
11) How not to be dumb as fuck: I see you, ready to read more, take some classes get a degree. Nice, my friend, self-improvement is honorable. What is that book? Confessions of a Video Vixen, oh wow a book by Zane… you’ll learn something reading that. What classes are you taking? Getting an MBA, awesome! What night are your classes? No classes? Oh yeah you’re right you do not have to necessarily take a physical class at the University of Phoenix. So you are going through an MBA program but not going to sit in classes with people who you can make life long connections with that can benefit your career. What are you dumb as fuck?
12) How not to get hit upside the head with a purse by an old lady or get jumped by a group of Black guys: You have made a resolution to help more people, change starts with you, you can make a difference if not in the world but in your city. You are going to volunteer at a senior citizens home, sure the first few weeks are great, you bond with a sweet lady drink coffee and talk about the news with her. You miss one week, because you had tickets to see Nickleback (dumb ass), you return to the senior citizens facility to spend time with your buddy. She is not in her room, you sit and wait. A few minutes later she walks in with her cup of coffee getting ready to watch the evening news, sees you sitting there. Throws her coffee at you, burns your arm! She throws anything she can get her hands on at you, including her purse which cuts your eye. The nurse comes in calms her down, another nurse comes in and gets a bandage over your cut and tells you that your old lady friend is senile and does not remember things well past 9 days. So you figure you’ll just go home and relax. You also decided you would use public transportation more often, since you were cut and needed a little treatment you stayed a little longer than usual. Embarrassed by your cut you tilt your hat a little over your left eye to kind of hide it. Bad ideas, as you walk to the bus stop, the thugs in the neighborhood are out on the block and they all have their hats tilted to the right. Not knowing any better you foolishly walk through the brothers, saying “what’s up”. “What’s up? Did this muh’fuhka just ask us what’s up?” Now you are getting beat on like Vanilla Ice giving up his publishing rights to Suge Knight, all because you decided to make a difference and like bad music. See this shit never ends people!
13) How not to lose shit: In other words you decided you are going to be more organized; it takes you 30 minutes to find things that you should find in 2 minutes or less. Let me tell you something my mother told me that can help you out… “Why don’t you throw some of this shit away?” You have too much shit, you don’t have to become more organized you need to toss some shit. Spend a day; throwing shit you don’t use anymore into a trash bag, throw that shit out the house, you won’t have a problem finding the shit you need. You are not unorganized, you are filthy. You made the wrong resolution with your trifling ass!
14) How not to be rejected: This is the year you are going to find the love or your life and get the job you always wanted. What the fuck ever! You did not try to find a job in 2011? You didn’t blow a relationship with someone you liked a lot last year? You turned down a six-figure job or something last year? Your ex didn’t break up with you because you got caught giving head to somebody you met in a bar one night? Face it, you are a loser. I am not saying you will not ever get a great job or find someone who brings you joy but your history clearly states otherwise. If you do get any of these things it probably won’t be because of anything you set out to do. Guys you want to find love with someone awesome that you never thought you could have, focus on getting a better job… Rich guys marry hot chicks. Ladies you want to find love from an awesome guy, I have no advice for you. You see how many women are kissing other women in bars these days, the pickings are slim. Buy some flannel shirts and the next time the lady at the gym that works out in blue jeans, boots, and has a haircut like your brother says hi to you don’t smile and keep it moving… chat it up a little.
15) How not to set yourself up for failure: You didn’t like my suggestion about filing for bankruptcy, you set a budget and been saving money. In the words of former NBA Power Forward Derrick Coleman “woopdie, damn, doo!” Now you are feeling yourself, going on a nice vacation, a cruise to an island. Taking care of yourself for once in your life and feels good. Dumb ass, you’re doing the same dumb shit that got you broke in the first place. You saved $1000 in 9 months and used $400 of it to pay the balance on the trip. Spent $200 on clothes and instead of limiting your drinking to all-inclusive package on the ship, you decide since you’re are on the island you’ll buy some drinks for the cute locals. Later you find out that someone there stole your debit card information and as far as the credit agencies are concerned that is your responsibility now. How is bankruptcy looking now you fuckin’ failure!
16) How not to look like a pussy: Way to go! You are going to save the environment, going green! Recycling, cutting back on fuel, might bike to work on nice days. Trading in your Jeep for a Prius… you come up to a stop light for the first time. Look over in the car next to you, the hottest chick you have ever seen, she sees your eyes and smiles. Then she checks out your brand new Prius, frowns runs the light to get away from you. Women don’t date pussies! Women like their men sensitive to a point; you’re driving around in a Prius, crying for dolphins and the ozone layer. Have you ever see a football player get out of his car on Sunday before the big game in a Prius? The kickers and punters drive F-150’s and BMW’s, you drive a Prius… you look like a pussy. Tim Tebow drives a Range Rover and he prays for the guys trying to rip his head off… BEFORE THE GAME!!! Instead of spending time working on this resolution why don’t you put your time to better use, like waiting for your testicles to fall.
17) How not to make resolutions: Be you, always. If there is something you do not like about yourself find out the cause of it and then embrace it as a part of who you are. If you feel you need to lose weight, ask yourself if you can love yourself as you are, if your answer is yes the pounds will fall off. Your love for who you are will fix anything wrong with you. Happy New Year.